The question that I have been agonizing over for awhile is this — one child, or two? This question has created my own private little hell. And, because of my age, it must be resolved quickly.
When I was growing up, and through my 20's and 30's, I wanted children very much. "Children" is the operative word. Whenever I fantasized about this, there were always two of them. I came from a two child family. Almost everyone I know has two children. In having more than one, you create a relationship outside of yourselves, for better or for worse — siblings. Someone to be there when the two of you pass on. Someone to share childhood with. Like my parents did for me.
But time marches on. And infertility made a visit into my life. And it took up a whole helluva lot of time before we decided to move on to donor eggs. Four years in fact. And I didn't start trying until I was 39, because that was when I got married. DD came along when I was 44, but I was almost 45.
At this point, at 46, I would be naturally infertile, I suppose. But our donor provided us with a lot of eggs. Twelve of them fertilized. Only three were transferred. That leaves nine of them, waiting. What to do, what to do.
One thing I have noticed, if I'm honest, is that things have gotten easier with DD. We usually get some decent sleep, even though she does still wake up a few times a night. She's more fun. She's less work. And honestly, at 46, sometimes it seems like it is easier to stay on the floor than to get back up, with all the creakiness in my bones going on. Going back and starting over, especially to those first few months, is not appealing. And I imagine it would be tougher with an older child. But those times do pass. And the little ones grow into interesting little people. And my heart fills to the breaking point when I imagine feeling for another child what I feel for DD.
DH, on the other hand, is not conflicted at all. If the decision were solely his, the answer would be a flat no, no second child. He's 57, and he just thinks he's too old. However, if it is something that I really, really want, he is willing to go along. And he would be just as good of a father to that child as he is to DD. Not begrudgingly at all, that I can guarantee. H e's just not that type of a person.
But how can I push to do something that he doesn't want? It's not like it is something small, where it really doesn't matter who makes the decision. I can't think of a bigger decision than this.
On the on hand, I should be happy with what I have. I have a healthy, happy, smart little girl who really does fill my life. On the other hand, what about a son? Or another daughter? I wish that I had some role models to show me that it's possible to not regret having only one.
One thing I do know. If we don't go ahead with another one, we will donate the embryos to a family who otherwise could not have children. And, even though DH disagrees with me, I think that it should be an "open" adoption. That way, if I can't give DD brothers and sisters, at least she will know where her biological relatives are. And they can choose how much of each other's lives they want to share.
DH doesn't like that idea for a couple of reasons. First, he's afraid that someone from the adoptive family will come back to us seeking something, like money. Or secondly, that there might be some legal reason that would find him responsible for child support (the law in the area is fairly new, and pretty murky).
I just don't know what to do. What if our lives were stretched to the breaking point by two? What if they weren't? I think about this, every effing day. Anyone know where I can get a crystal ball to help us decide?