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This is a bit off topic, but . . .
We needed a new ironing board cover. I bought one. It had a nice, calming pattern on it. It happened to be a Martha Stewart brand. No issues there. I generally like Martha's things.
After I got it home, DH pointed out a little note on the packaging, which said (and I am so not kidding): "For occasional ironing only (once per month)."
WTF? What planet does she live on?
In the messy, messy room that I refer to as my office, but which will someday be DD's room, there are many, many things. It's filled with clutter. There are boxes here from when we moved in several years ago, mostly containing craft supplies. There are boxes of mementos that I would someday like to put in a scrapbook. And, there are miscellaneous things that have fallen from their places and are scattered on the floor. (I am so not exaggerating when I say it is a "messy, messy room.")
DD likes to come in and pop bubbles on some of the bubble wrap that I have in here (a remnant from moving -- I thought it would be good to save for some reason). She also likes to play on the computer with me, and "help" me read my e-mail or blogs. She has a favorite website that plays Christmas music -- she likes "Jingle Bells" and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" (we don't tell grandma about this latter favorite).
Sometimes, she will look through things on the floor or in the boxes and examine them. This morning, she found an old shoe on the floor. It was a Robeez shoe.
For most of her first year, she either wore socks or went barefoot, depending on the weather. We bought Robeez as her first shoes, because we thought that they were the closest thing to going barefoot. The shoe that DD picked up had a puppy on it. DH came by and showed DD a pink shoe with a kitty on it. DD wore these types of shoes until she was around eighteen months old.
The kitty shoes were DD's favorite. She would get upset if I wouldn't let her wear them (because they were pink, and not everything goes with pink, or so I tried to tell her). When DH dressed her, he used to sing a little song: "We've got cats on our shoes, cats on our shoes, cats on our shoes today." You know, just one of those silly songs that parents make up to make things go faster or easier.
I asked DD if she remembered the kitty shoes. And she didn't. She also didn't remember the song that DH used to sing to her. Because, for her, that was half a lifetime ago. I'm not so good at remembering things from half a lifetime ago either, I guess. And, I know that people don't remember much from before they were four. Sometimes, someone will be lucky enough to have a memory from three.
It just struck me as a bit sad somehow. So, I will save those kitty shoes, and someday, we will find them again together. And I will remind her how they were her favorites. And her daddy can sing her the silly song. And we can share with her another one of the many stories that we will keep close to our heart.
DD has been at the same daycare/school since I returned to work after my six-month maternity leave ended. There is only one other child in her class who has been there as long as she has. I can't believe that it has been two and a half years, but it has.
I have always gotten little things to give in her name on holidays and birthdays. But this year, I really wanted it to be really nice. This is the first year that DD is really aware that birthdays are something special. And that her birthday is upon us.
So, I decided that I would get goodie bags for all of the kids to help her celebrate. It's a little harder now, because there are sixteen kids in this room (eight to one student to teacher ratio). I've spent the last month or so scouting around for inexpensive items that a three year old would like. And it has been a lot of fun. The bags had some Hershey nuggets, a small package of M & M's, some suckers, a bag of mini chocolate chip cookies, a plastic magnifying glass, a box of crayons, bubbles, a ball (that glows in the dark), and a pencil. DD asked for Elmo party hats, and we brought those in as well as some noise makers. We also got her favorite -- strawberry cupcakes with lavender frosting (purple is her favorite color), and, of course, they had sprinkles on top. The teacher suggested that we bring in a disposable camera, and she promised that they would take pictures.
I think I was almost as excited as DD was. Her teacher said that they started at around 3:00, and everyone was having so much fun, the party went on for an hour. DD passed out the goodie bags, making sure that everyone had one. If someone was absent, DD put the bag in the proper cubbie. The class made her a large sign wishing her a happy birthday, and everyone put their hand print on it. The teacher wrote down everything that each child said to DD. And, they had a nice sign on the door, announcing that it was DD's special day.
DD was just bubbling over when I picked her up from school. She'd had so much fun. And, since there were pictures left on the camera, she tried her hand at photography, taking pictures of me and and her teacher. I'm not sure how those latter pictures are going to turn out, but it was fun anyway. When we took the camera in this evening for developing, the woman at the drugstore took the film out of the disposable camera and left the shell for DD to play with. (Though DD wouldn't say thank you, which kind of ticked me off -- we are really going to be working on that).
This is going to be a birthday weekend all around. We are having our family get together on Sunday, and DD picked out her birthday cake from the bakery. I'd originally gone in to ask for an Elmo/Big Bird cake, but the woman who owned the bakery said that she couldn't do the decoration for us this year because it was a copyright infringement. Apparently, there are spotters who order items that are popular and then seek prosecution -- given that there is a potential $250,000 fine for infringement, we couldn't get the cake we wanted. But it worked out OK. DD picked out a "stage cake" with Mickie and Minnie Mouse in a soda shoppe. It's really cute. And, it is strawberry, of course.
As much as I'm enjoying celebrating a new year with my daughter, I am going to miss having two year old. She's grown so much this last year, and she is actually quite good company sometimes. I've been told that things just get better and better.
I think we're going to enjoy three.
Our two little embryos kept dividing and dividing. By the time of the transfer, one was six cells, and the other seven. One of the embryos had approximately a 5% fragmentation -- no big deal. Both were rated as "good" (the scale is good, fair, or poor). The transfer was uneventful. I did lay there for the requisite half an hour with DH as company, but I've decided, based on the research, that I'm going to forego the three days on the couch.
So, now we wait. And there is something about that two week wait (2ww), that seems to extend out to forever.
When we were trying to figure out what the heck to buy for our new baby, DH and I relied a lot on the book, Baby Bargains. It provided us with a lot of information about safety, utility, etc.
DH asked to be put on the mailing list, and he recently received a disturbing e-mail from them. The link to the article is here. Now, I've heard a lot about BPA, but I kind of dismissed what I was hearing, thinking that the results were inconclusive.
But, at least according to the authors of "Baby Bargains," it's something that should be taken seriously. They even go so far as to tell people that they should throw out their Avent’s Natural Feeding Bottle and Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow (or any bottle made of polycarbonate plastic), bottles that they had previously recommended. We used the Avent when DD received bottled breast milk, sometimes at home, but usually at daycare (she started at daycare when she was six months old).
Fortunately, there other options for our next baby, should we be blessed enough to have one. Bottles made of glass or opaque plastic are OK, as are bottle liners. There are also BPA-free bottles, though they cost twice as much as the Avent.
As with everything else, it's a personal decision. But I think that we are probably going to play it safe and ditch the old bottles. All the while, though, I'm praying that they are wrong about this.
The clinic called this morning, and we were told that both embryos look great! One had divided into four cells, and the other into three cells. The nurse asked us if we wanted to go ahead and add the single embryo (which would be thawed tomorrow morning). Of all the embryos, this little one is the most appealing to me for some reason, maybe because s/he has been sitting there, waiting, all alone. I know those are strange thoughts to have, but I do have them.
DH didn't want to do it. I was feeling unsure and ambivalent. We are both concerned about having multiples. I asked DD if we should go with two or three, and she said, "two!" "No, three!" So that didn't help either. In the end, since the nurse told us that the embryos looked good, we decided to bank on the little ones that we have growing now.
So, two it is. Our transfer is at 12:30 tomorrow afternoon. I've decided to put this into God's hands. He knows my heart, my fears, and my life. If a pregnancy is meant to be this time, and for many reasons I hope that it is, then I can't wait to meet the child that He has chosen for us. If it is not meant to be this time, then I'm not sure what we will do. I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yesterday, I had two messages on my cell phone from my clinic, asking me to call that day. They also called and left me a message at home. Unfortunately, they didn't call me at work, where I was sitting with my cell phone turned off. And they close at 4:30. And you can't leave a message. The message they left at home said that the "lab had a question." No more details.
So, I had to wonder all last night what was up, and also wonder whether something happened that would affect the transfer on Monday, at least until I could return the call this morning. As it turns out, we don't have nine embryos frozen in sets of three. We have nine embryos, but four were frozen before the first division, in sets of two and two. The remaining five, frozen at different stages (one is an eight cell; I can't remember what the others are), are frozen in sets of two, two, and one. They wanted to start using one set of two from the group of four, but they need to be thawed today or tomorrow. Any of the remaining five would need to be thawed on the day of transfer, since they are later in development. At least I think I got it right. It was pretty confusing.
This is such a hard decision! I don't want to transfer more than three. I would prefer not to transfer only one. DH would rather only transfer one. Neither of us is wild about multiples, but we wouldn't reduce. We had thought everything through, but now the numbers have changed.
Our decision, at least at this point, is to thaw two of the earlier embryos and see how they work out. I'm supposed to be getting a call today to find out if they start to divide. I think that if we only had one, then I would want to thaw the single embryo on Monday morning.
I'm leaving my cell on all day, waiting to find out where we are.
And biting my nails.
Updated to add: The two little ones have thawed nicely, and now they are waiting for them to cleave (split). The clinic wanted approval to thaw the other two (unsplit embryos), but we're going to wait until tomorrow to see what happens. They said that they may not cleave right away, but that doesn't mean that they won't cleave eventually. Which means that we could be left with four cleaving embryos. I would rather wait for these two and thaw the later stage embryo on Monday. We are both pretty nervous about multiples, we don't want to transfer more than three, and we don't want to "dispose" of any embryo, either . . . just trying to lessen the odds without wasting the cycle. It's all a balancing act, you know?
I only have time for a quick update. I had my ultrasound this morning, and my lining was 11 mm (they look for at least 7 mm). I am not surprised. I have gained weight (and I really didn't need to gain any more, thank you), and I have been feeling like my period is ready to start. I really, really hate taking Estrace. It isn't much comfort that the ultrasound technician told me that everyone complains about weight gain with that stuff.
So, we are running right on schedule. My transfer will happen at 12:30 on Monday, August 20. For some reason that I don't quite understand, I'm supposed to take a Valium an hour before the transfer. Which means it won't be worth the effort to go to work, because I would just have to go home and meet DH so that we can take one car. But at least I'll be happy about it. Or at least totally relaxed.
I'm putting this in God's hands. I trust that He will put us on the right path. And if we are to be blessed again, I pray for a happy, healthy baby. Someone who will be as wonderful as DD, who can walk with her after we're long gone. Until Monday comes, I will be drinking lots and lots of wine. Don't want it to go to waste waiting until I can partake again.
I hope to post again before transfer, but in case I don't get the chance, wish us luck!
We had big plans for this Saturday. Oh yes, yes we did. We marked our calendar for June 1, because that was the first day that we could buy tickets to a "tons of trucks" type event. It was scheduled for this Saturday. And we thought that DD would love it.
In actuality? It s*cked, all around. DD wanted to be carried -- everywhere. And since she's hovering around 30 pounds and is 36" tall, it is not as easy as it used to be. DH and I can do it for a little while, but after that, our arms start to hurt.
But DD wouldn't walk to the trucks. So, we took turns carrying her, because we weren't going to give up. Because we were supposed to be having fun! DD wouldn't climb into any of the trucks. Thinking that she was just being shy, we walked around with her and showed her the insides of the trucks from a distance. She couldn't have cared less. After awhile, we just lost patience with the whole thing and left.
There is a spray park nearby, and we had planned ahead for it. DD had her suit on, and we'd put sunscreen on her before leaving the house. I left to start my millions of errands for the day (we took separate cars to the truck petting event), so DH took her to the spray park. Later on, when I unpacked the diaper bag, I took the suit out of the plastic bag that I'd given DH to carry it back in. And? It was dry. I asked DH what happened, and he said that she stuck a toe in and that was about it. After about ten minutes, he took her home. She fell asleep on the drive back.
You know, it always seems like the things that we don't plan for are a big hit. But the stuff that we plan ahead for? Eh. Not so much.
Or so my mother used to say. It's so true, so true. It seems like I am always rushing around, but nothing ever gets done. And I do try to focus. Someone in my management chain at work is constantly multi-tasking, ineffectively, and I see how well that has worked for her (it hasn't).
I sent off a resume to a company that is only about 10 miles away from home to try to eliminate that two-three hour a day commute I have, but my cynical side tells me that I probably wouldn't have regular working hours there (so I would still be away from home just as long). I shouldn't prejudge, but it is really unusual (I think) to find a professional job that allows an eight hour day. We'll see if they even call me.
Nothing much to report with regard to the FET cycle. I've been bumped up to six Estrace pills starting today -- three in the A.M., and three in the P.M. We're still looking at August 20th as a transfer date, provided that my lining is thick enough. I have an ultrasound on August 16th to check it (but my Lupron stops then -- yes!). If not, then they will delay transfer by a few more days. This seems like the forever cycle, with all the delays. And, the nurse told me that if I want to try again, I have to repeat the protocol -- one month rest, one month pills, and one month with meds. I will ask for a different pill cycle, if there is a next time. I think that DH is ready to stop the Lupron. I'm always roasting; he's always freezing. Last night, he had a sweatshirt on, and I had a wet washcloth on the back of my neck to cool down. We are totally incompatible, and the Lupron-based hot flashes are not helping (smile).
DD is having good days, and bad days, though fortunately, last week there were more good days than bad. She has started acting up at school, and even though we have authorized it, they will not put her in time out. The just withdraw attention, or they redirect. As far as I'm concerned, when she's kicking in the direction of the teacher and spitting at her classmates, she deserves a time out. Early last week, on the same day as the kicking/spitting incident, she took her shoes off and refused to put them on. Rather than put her in time out, the whole class couldn't go outside (because they couldn't leave her alone). She lost several privileges that day at home, and she seems to be on a more even keel now. I just hope that it was a fluke.
They think that my mother's right lung is filling up again (it's only been about three weeks since the first time they drained it). They're also not sure if she has fluid in her abdomen (another common side effect). She says that other than that, she feels OK, and I should "live my life and not worry about her." Um, sure. I'll just set aside the thought that I can't imagine life without her and move on.
Her doctors have scheduled a ton of tests to find out what is going on with her liver. None of it sounds good. I did do some initial research when I found out that she had cirrhosis, but I think it's time to do more. I've joined a number of listservs that focus on the disease in the hopes of learning more. Lately, I've been really depressed about it. It is so very, very unfair. If she were an alcoholic, then it would be more understandable. But she didn't do anything wrong!
I always believed that I would have her at least as long as she had my grandmother (my grandmother lived to be 93 with a number of health problems). Now, I'm not sure if we're looking at only months for my mom. And her doctors won't tell her -- when she's asked if her problems mean that she is going to die soon, they all say "not necessarily." I guess, in fairness, they are correct. The little bit that I know about this disease tells me that the focus is on how long the liver functions, not on the side effects of decreased functioning. So, the number of tests that they have requested do make sense. I just pray that the results come back favorably.
And, if you pray, please put in a good word for her.
I really wasn't looking forward to DD turning two. I'd heard about the terrible two's, and I didn't think my patience level was up to the task. Much to my surprise, two has been pretty good, on the whole. But the closer DD gets to three? Yikes. Sometimes, she's difficult just for the sake of being difficult. Last week, she actually tried to pick a fight with me on the way home from day care.
By way of background, DD loves gummy bears. In fact, I joke about needing to buy them just so that we can have something to take away from her. (When she's bad, we warn her that she will lose a privilege if she doesn't straighten out, and gummy bears are always the first thing that she loses.)
Here was our conversation:
DD: No gummy bears for me. I was a bad girl.
Me: No, your teacher said that you were very good today. You made good choices. If you want to have gummy bears, you may have them.
DD: No, I was bad.
Me: Well, if you don't want them, you don't have to have them.
DD: (Crying) I want them! I want them!
Me: Well, if you want them, you can have them.
DD: (Crying) I want them! I want them now!
Me: No, you can't have them now. You can't have any until after dinner.
DD: (Crying) I want them now!
(etc. etc. etc.)
She's also gotten a little strange as she's grown older. For example:
1. She likes to pick out my underwear on the weekends. I have no idea why.
2. We often go to a family style restaurant. In fact, we go so often, we know most of the staff and have become friends with one woman and her family. When we sit down at a table, DD has to make sure that the ketchup and sugar are in a particular place. And the pepper has to be in the holder that is closest to her; the salt must be put in the holder furthest away.
3. DD insists that we have little piggies living on our driveway. In fact, she has spun a whole story about them. They are small, and orange. They stand in the driveway when the sun is out. We have to take big steps to walk over them as we walk to the garage (DH is more likely to play along; I usually just walk behind DD so she can't see me). The piggies will move out of the way when the car backs out. When it's overcast, the piggies stay in their house, which is on Earth, and located between the veterinarian's office and the ice cream parlor. The piggies eat ice cream, which is why they are fat. When we step on them, they cry.
I'm really enjoying DD's imagination. She is forever making things up, though not usually in as much detail as with the piggie fantasy.
But the acting out? We're not enjoying that so much. This evening, at the family restaurant, DD apparently decided that she was going to be a jerk. She wouldn't sit in the booster seat, she kept crawling under the table, she started whining about any number of things, and finally, she just burst into tears (kind of tantrum-like tears). DH took her outside until she calmed down. She was fairly good while she was eating, though it wasn't a sterling experience.
You know, I remember the day before my scheduled C-section. Our next-door neighbor came over to give me some words of wisdom. She's in her 60's and her children are grown. She looked at me thoughtfully, and I could see that she was carefully considering what she wanted to say. She looked at me, with compassion in her eyes, and said "always remember, there is good and bad with every age."
You know, of all the things that anyone has shared with me about raising children, I think that is the piece of advice that rings most often true. I try to remember those words when I wish away some of the bad things, because I know that I will be losing something good as well as DD moves on with her life.
So, for now, I guess I will grit my teeth through the tantrums and enjoy the eccentricity and imagination. And, as she stands on the brink of turning three, I will look forward to the good things and trust that we will work through the other things, just as we have always done.
Today is August 1. And it is supposed the start of my artificial cycle (since Aunt Flo has left the building and shows no sign of returning soon).
I have been taking 20 units of Lupron now for about three weeks, I think. I've read that it is the devil's drug, but I really haven't had too many side effects. I think that I'm more crabby than usual, though DH says he doesn't notice a difference (thanks a bunch?). It is supposed to shut down my ovaries, which will simulate menopause. I do have hot flashes. I'm not too wild about that, but I look at it as a preview of coming attractions. (The women I know who are actually going through menopause refer to hot flashes as "power surges" -- I like that term better.) It feels like someone has turned up the thermostat to 120 degrees, in an instant. And, after a minute or so, the feeling is gone. I have noticed some weight gain and swelling in my hands and feet. I am looking forward to stopping these injections. But I'm not looking forward to starting Estrace -- more weight gain.
We don't hide a lot of things from DD, and this is no exception. She does see me getting my shots. In fact, she likes to see me get my shots (is that a little odd?). I thought it might be a good idea for her to see someone getting a shot so she would realize it's not that big of a deal. I do cheat, though, since I have a patch of skin on the side of my hip that is numb, the result of some spinal cord surgery many years ago. That numb patch has been very convenient over the years, because other than the progesterone in oil, I was able to inject everything there. It was a blessing. Well, actually DH was able to inject there -- he has always given me my shots.
We have talked with DD about having another baby. Some of her classmates have new brothers or sisters, and she knows that a few more will be having new family members soon. She wants a sister. I would prefer a girl because I'm not sure what I would do with a boy, but honestly? I just want a healthy baby. Please God, a healthy baby.
I hope that DD doesn't think that this is the "normal" way to have a baby. Because more than anything, I wish her a healthy and happy life, without any health problems. But I also hope that she comes to know how very, very much she was wanted.
What's really strange, at least to me, is that I'm willing to try only as long as I have embryos left. I would not be willing to go through the whole donor egg thing again with a new donor (and all the expense!), and I would not be willing to go through the adoption process (and all the expense!). These embryos have been calling to me ever since DD was born. And, I only want one more child, so if I do become pregnant, then we have decided that we would give the embryos to another family in an open adoption scenario (so that the siblings could find each other someday, if that's what they wanted). Obviously, we realize that there is a possibility of multiples when more than one embryo is transferred. Were that to happen, then our family will become bigger than we can possibly imagine at this point.
I feel like I am on a roller coaster, and we have reached the top of the big hill. I don't know whether to hang on tight, or to raise my arms and let go. Either way, it should be an awesome ride.
