Recently Overheard At Our House
Me: DD, were you picking your nose?
DD: No mommy, I was just checking for bugs.
« October 2007 | Main | December 2007 »
Me: DD, were you picking your nose?
DD: No mommy, I was just checking for bugs.
Warning: Exceptionally long post!
Well, I did locate our egg br*ker, and she's still working with our clinic. We've arranged for a meeting on November 29. I was kind of hoping to avoid the meeting, because I anticipate that it will cost us $125. This is not much in the great scheme of things, but it seemed like an avoidable cost.
We had been exchanging e-mails to avoid the meeting at her suggestion, but for some reason, there was a bit of a disconnect. I don't quite understand, since I thought I was being very clear. I wanted the profiles, assessments, and photos of specific donors (she'd sent me a matrix of her available donors, and I chose from there). I also wanted to know if the person was a new donor, and if not, how responsive she has been to the stims. It's also nice if the donor has had children of her own, but even if she hasn't, that would be a deterrent for me. She kept sending me things that I didn't ask for, duplicating things that I'd already received, and not giving me things that I asked for repeatedly. Anyway, the egg br*ker thought it would be easier to meet.
It is kind of risky to choose a first time donor, because you don't know how many eggs the person will produce (and the cycle costs a fortune, regardless of the number of eggs retrieved). When I did IVF with my own eggs, I produced ten eggs. But most were immature and didn't divide after fertilization, even with ICSI (a process where the technician chooses a good sperm, cuts its tail off, pokes a hole in the egg, and sticks it in -- guaranteed fertilization). I ended up with two embryos, supposedly of good quality, and they didn't result in a pregnancy. Our last donor produced twenty eggs, and twelve of them went on to divide after fertilization (we used ICSI with those eggs as well). We transferred three, two implanted, but only one grew, and that embryo was DD. The rest were frozen, and you know that story -- four embryos survived, but none resulted in a pregnancy. The general rule is the more eggs the better, but it is balanced by a need to keep the ovaries from being overstimulated (that is really not a good thing).
The egg br*ker said the rules have changed since the last time we went through the process. I've looked up a summary of the new FDA regulations, and essentially, they require more tests of the donor. Whatever. I was never really that concerned about catching anything from our donor. For example, while there are instances where HIV has been transmitted through a sperm donation, there have been ZERO cases of HIV transmission as a result of egg donation. I felt comfortable before with the testing that they did (testing at time of donation), but I guess this is better. With sperm donors, they test at time of donation, freeze the sperm, and then test six months later. If both tests are negative for HIV, then the sperm is safe to use. Sometimes, a person will not always test negatively right away because they need time to develop the antibodies to a particular virus. At least with sperm, this procedure is the safest way to detect specific illnesses, because antibodies will likely develop within six months (and antibodies are what the blood tests are detecting). Since you can't freeze eggs, at least at this point in time, this is not a feasible process for egg donation. Our last donor had donated five previous times, was in a stable relationship (three kids), and had tested negatively each time (including the tests that she took for our donation), so I felt pretty safe.
Our egg br*ker also advised us that the regulations will have some impact on anonymous donation, but I wasn't able to find anything like that. That does bring up an interesting issue for me -- anonymity.
When we used an egg donor for DD, I was happy that the donor would be anonymous. I don't think that I'd really come to terms with my inability to have a biological child at that time. If the donor was someone that I never met, someone whose face I would never see, with name I would never know, I could pretend that she wasn't really a part of the process. Sounds crazy now, but I think that is why I embraced the anonymous part of the donor program without question.
I've grown up a lot since then, and I wouldn't really have a problem with a donation that wasn't anonymous now. Not for my sake, but for DD's sake. You see, I've read postings from children who were conceived with donor gametes (usually donor sperm), and they make some points that are really well taken. When one of the genetic parents is unknown, some children feel very deprived due to lack of information (do I have her eyes? His mannerisms?). Some children even want to meet their donors. Completely understandable to me. At least it is now. I'm not really interested in having an extra person at the Thanksgiving table, though. I would probably be willing to provide an annual photo, and I certainly wouldn't object if DD and the donor wanted to meet when DD is older. But that's about it for me, I think, because it is gamete donation, as opposed to open adoption. But others feel differently, and that's OK too.
I do wonder if DD will want to know about her egg donor (who I sometimes refer to as the genetic mother, even though in some circles, the label "mother" is considered very inappropriate). We do know a little bit about her. We know how many children she had, how long she was married, how many brothers and sisters she had, how many children they had, whether anyone in her family (including grandparents) had any health issues, what her health issues were, her profession, body type, eye color, hair color, height, hobbies, education etc. They gave us two initials to identify her, and I honestly think they were her real initials. I believe that because I called during the middle of our cycle with a question, and the clinic called me by a different name, which matched her first initial on the profile, and said "______, why are you taking those medications?" When I said "no, this is _____," they answered my question without missing a beat (or taking a moment to get another folder, as they would have done if they'd grabbed the wrong one). It could be a coincidence, but I don't think so.
So, I did the only normal stalker-like thing to do, and searched for her first name and her last initial in my state's on-line licensing data base (she held a professional license). I narrowed it down to people from the geographic area, since she would have had to go regularly to the clinic. Kind of sneaky, I guess. But I wasn't interested in meeting her, or bothering her in any way. I was just looking at it as gathering more information for the file that I will someday give to DD. If she asks.
But, we have never seen our donor's photo. And, I was excited to learn that our egg br*ker has one in her files. She said that she would let us see it, so I guess it would be worth $125 to do that. I wonder if she will give us a copy. I guess we'll have to see. I also wonder why she didn't show us any photos back in 2003 when we were making our decision. Perhaps it is part of her new process. She does have some competition now from another broker (who is a bit more expensive).
Speaking of expensive, let's see. $125 for the consult with the egg br*ker. $5,000 for the egg br*ker's services and the donor fee. $8,700 for the clinic to oversee the cycle (supervision, retrieval, and transfer). And then we need to pay for the donor's meds, blood tests, and monitoring. I think that's another $5,000. My meds and monitoring is covered by my insurance, thank goodness, and I think it's because they don't know the real reason why I'm doing it.
All this to do something that my husband doesn't want to do, though he said that he hasn't changed his position -- if I want to do it, he will go along with it. But time is marching on. My birthday is coming up soon, and I shudder to think about how old we both will be when the baby is born. But, since my brother and I are no longer speaking, and my daughter rarely sees her cousins from my husband's side of the family, I think the best gift we can give DD and her unborn sibling is each other. I have suggested adopting a toddler, but DH wants nothing to do with it. He's concerned about behavioral problems, I think, even though that can happen with a biological child. That's a whole other can of worms. I guess I've concluded if he doesn't want to, we won't go in that direction.
But it is still a hard choice to go forward. Society really does have a bias toward younger parents, even though we are more financially and emotionally prepared to be good parents at our "advanced" ages.
Oh well. It is what it is.
Potty talk, and TMI. Read at your own risk.
DD has been doing fairly well with potty training at school, though they do remind her to go every half an hour or so. It makes it easy to succeed. I'm just not as diligent (read I'm really, really lazy), and consequently, when DD is wearing underwear at home, she just pees in her pants. As laid back as I have been about this, I told her that it seems like she really isn't ready for underwear at home, and that was OK too. I told DD that the solution for this is just to wear a pullup at home until she started going to the potty when she felt the need to go. DD didn't seem to thrilled about that idea, but she wasn't really against it.
Today, when we were getting ready to leave school, DD went to the bathroom on her own (without my usual insistence). And then I remembered what we'd talked about yesterday and started to grab a pullup. DD was upset about that and said she didn't want a pullup. I told her that it wasn't OK to keep going to the bathroom in her pants without even trying to use the potty. She promised that tonight would be different.
And it was. She went to the bathroom, on her own, and peed shortly after we got home. About an hour later, she went into the bathroom again, and what do you know? Her first poop at home. Yes!
Of course, she got her Skittles and stickers. DH attended to her, and he was quite impressed with DD's little production. So impressed that he took a picture of it. Not just one picture. Two pictures. And one of them was a close up. And you know what? I just know that DH wants me to put them in the scrapbook. He's kind of twisted like that. And I'll bet he thinks I'm going to post one of those pictures here. I think I'll pass on that one. (You can thank me later.)
Now, this picture stuff freaked our handyman out so badly that he excused himself for the night. Eh. He was ready to leave anyway. But, I'm sure that his girlfriend will get an earful tonight. And, you know, he really wasn't interested in seeing the pictures. Even though we offered. Gee, I wonder why.
Lord, we are obsessed with this potty training stuff.
There is a person that I work with that, for the most part, I get along with. But, sometimes, we just don't connect on things (both personal and work-related). We are both relatively new moms (her little one is somewhere around fifteen months old).
Like me, she likes to share child care responsibilities with her husband. I pick up; she drops off. We both feel that it keeps us connected. We both use the same corporate day care, though our children go to different sites.
Recently, she told me that she had a "bad drop off." She had tears in her eyes, so I thought that something really awful happened to her child. I soon learned that nothing had happened to her child.
Her child is in an early toddler room, and just transitioned there. The ratio is four kids to one teacher, and I guess there are twelve kids in the room. She said that she came into the room, and one of the teachers yelled across the room toward one of the children, "NO HITTING!" She said that the teacher didn't realize she was in the room at the time, and the teacher looked kind of "sheepish" when she turned around to see my coworker there. My coworker said that she gave the teacher a disapproving look.
At the same time that this was going on, apparently a child was crying. And there was a teacher nearby, but she was more focused on writing something on her clipboard then comforting the child. When the teacher realized that my coworker had noticed, she said that the child was transitioning to the room and this was a normal thing.
My coworker asked me for my opinion. Honestly, I think that anyone can have a bad day. I yell sometimes. Not very often, and I'm not proud of it, but sometimes, I do. And I think that even Mother Theresa yelled on occasion. So, I would probably be forgiving of someone who was temporarily occupied yelling across the room to kids who were hitting each other, if I were otherwise happy with her as a provider. It wasn't the best way to handle things, of course. But I probably wouldn't have given it much of a second thought. Especially if the teacher had seen me and had received the message that I didn't think it was the best way to handle the problem.
The crying child? Would drive me ape sh*t. I know that the teachers have to do a lot of documentation. I'm certain that whatever that woman was writing on the clipboard was something that was required. They have to do nose counts every half an hour. They document diaper changes (and contents), food eaten, nap times, and summarize the activities of the day. And they are supposed to chase the kids around, give them hugs, and provide an enriching environment. But -- if it were me, I would have taken my clipboard over to the child and picked her up with one hand and documented with the other. I don't think that children should be left to cry. That was one of the issues that we had in the room that we are in now; the lead teacher is not very warm, and she has often left children to cry who were transitioning (and at other times). We didn't realize that this was going on at the time, but I'm sure that my daughter was left to cry when she first came to the room. The other parents will often be the ones who will comfort the new kid, and it has bothered all of us. Fortunately, there haven't been new kids transitioning in lately, and the problem is short-lived (usually the kids adjust after about two weeks).
And that's essentially what I told my coworker. She said that her husband had heard one of the teachers raise her voice to one of the kids the previous week; she didn't know if it was the same person. My suggestion was to find out which teacher it was, and if it was the same teacher, then maybe there was a problem that needed to be addressed.
As it turned out, my coworker complained to the "lead teacher" in the room that morning, out in the hallway. And then the center director came by while they were talking, and she complained to her. And then, when I walked by her office around lunch time, she was clearly making a complaint to someone else. (And no, I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose -- it was unavoidable.) I honestly don't know what the point was, because between the lead teacher and the center director, the "errant" teachers would have received the message that my coworker was not happy. After that, you can only go forward -- how do you undo a raised voice, or a missed hug? These teachers are human, and they probably aren't paid very well, even though most have bachelor degrees. And they do a far better job providing an enriching and fun environment that I would, if I'm honest with myself (even though I would love to stay home with my daughter until she starts kindergarten). We do pay a premium to go to these centers, but they certainly seem to go the extra mile.
I have been thinking about this, and I just don't understand the reaction. When my coworker came over to me to tell me the story, she said that she was thinking about quitting work or changing daycare centers because of what had happened. She has been back to work for almost a year now, and this is her second daycare center. I do believe that you should feel comfortable with your daycare center, but I've never heard a bad thing about the first daycare center that she went to. (She became upset when one of the teachers seemed to be angry about something and yanked a drawer open to get out some extra clothing/bedding. Her back was to everyone in the room, and there were no children around her at the time. After that, my coworker didn't feel comfortable at that center.)
You know, this may sound crazy, but I've always made an effort to get along with the daycare providers. We have talked about our issues when we have them, but I always worry that if I become too much of a pain in the a**, if I become the parent that no one likes, wouldn't someone take that out on my child, even if unconsciously? For example, when DD whines about something, would they think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Would they even want to interact with her as much? I know that this has got to be a lot bit of paranoia on my part, because I have never, ever seen anything that would substantiate this, but I worry about human nature.
So I was just wondering . . . am I too laid back, or is my coworker just over the top?
This weekend, we went looking for undershirts. I couldn't find any on Saturday during my normal errand run, so we all went to one more store after breakfast on Sunday. And we found one package -- already opened. But, everything looked OK, and I launder everything anyway, so we took it. Three stinking undershirts. (I ended up going on e-Bay to find more -- my Internet shopping trip turned up empty as well.) Just an aside -- don't they make little undershirts anymore, and if not, don't the toddlers freeze in the winter? Sheesh.
While we were there, we saw some Disney princess underwear -- seven in a package! (Because you just can't get enough of the princesses.) DD already has some underwear that we bought about six months ago, in the futile hope that she might actually wear them. Since hope springs eternal, we bought this package, and I told DD that we would leave these underwear for her at school, should she ever decide that she wants to wear them. No pressure.
Shortly after she got to school on Monday, DD told her teacher that she wanted to wear her underwear. She wore them all day, and she went to the potty on her own. And (drum roll please) -- she pooped on the potty for the first time! Of course, I didn't hear this until I walked in the door to pick her up at the end of the day. She was so excited; she was walking on air. Her teachers were excited for her, and everyone was clapping. And she couldn't wait to get home to get her reward. I promised her, months and months ago, that if she ever pooped on the potty, she could have a roll of stickers and some Skittles. She wanted to collect, right away.
I am so very proud of her. And my mother would have been very proud as well. I missed not being able to dial her up and share DD's good news. She was just waiting for this day too. I'm sure that wherever she is now, she does know. But I wish that DD and I could have been the ones to tell her.
The "official" results were negative. While I was there this morning, I asked for the number of the egg br*ker. Hope springs eternal, I guess, at least for me. DH really doesn't want to go further. But I do. I wonder if we can find someone who isn't already cycling, who is a proven donor, who produces lots of eggs, and who looks like me (or at least has my ethnic background). I'll call on Monday, because what the hell.
What's wrong with me? I should just be grateful. I have a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent daughter. Who likes me some of the time, at least. Ah, but that's the rub -- it's only some of the time.
On the bright side, I've had a couple of glasses of wine, to go along with my sushi. And I got to spend the afternoon with DD, who wanted to come with me on my errand runs. She was babbling in the background about something or other as I received the call from the nurse, telling me it was OK to have that bottle of wine I'd told her I was going to buy. It was a good thing that I had to be in mommy mode, because otherwise, I just would have cried for awhile. Losing my mom, and two failed FETs -- all in the space of three months time.
My due date would have been July 14.
I hate the world right now.
I am so down right now. I tested this morning. Negative. Undaunted, I bought another test and did it again tonight. Negative. I think the early tests are about 76% accurate at this point, since Monday will be 14 days after transfer. Someone commented that it is 14 days after fertilization, but honestly, I can't fathom what that would be in my case. The eggs were fertilized in December 2004, and then they were frozen at different stages of development. But that just means that the odds are even slimmer than a 1 in 4 chance that things could turn around.
I was so hopeful about this cycle. We started Lupron on my grandmother's birthday. My "official" pregnancy test is scheduled for my brother's birthday, and nine months from my transfer would have been my mother's birthday. It just seemed like happy coincidence. But I guess not. I can't believe that there are no more embryos. Which means that if we continue forward it is more time, and more money.
I will probably go tomorrow morning for my blood test, just to get it over with. At least I will be able to drink a big glass of wine after they tell me about my BFN (big fat negative).
F*ckity f*ck f*ck. I am so tired of crying.
My abdomen still feels yucky, just like it did in the beginning with DD. Today, I was exhausted at around 3:00. So tired that I was kind of bumping into things while walking to the printer. The mild headaches have continued. But, no other signs, and I've perked up a little bit this evening. This morning, DD told me that I didn't have a baby in my tummy anymore. DH says that any "symptoms" I have are all in my head. He's probably right, and I know I'm obsessing over every little thing.
I'm going to use my last pregnancy test tomorrow morning. This wait is driving me crazy, but it's almost over.
I know that this is changing the subject, but which way do you think the dancer turning? DH and I think it's turning clockwise; we just can't see any counter-clockwise movement. That means that we are both right-brained. We share the same profession, so I guess that probably makes sense. It was linked on another blog, and I found it fascinating.
