New Midlife Mommy

Two Firsts

DD had her very first dance with her prince* on Friday, and she had her very first swimming lesson on Saturday.

On Friday night, DH and I left work early so that we could pick DD up and get her ready for the Daddy/Daughter dance.  I actually did the pick up, and the teachers said that the only thing that the girls talked about all day long was the dance.  And they also talked about what they were going to wear.  They were all very excited, but I couldn't help but think is this a glimpse into the future?  Is this what prom night will be like?  (I didn't go to my prom; long story.)  I've noticed before that the little girls love to gossip and compare notes -- who has what nail polish on, who's going where on vacation, and on and on and on.  It's really kind of weird to think of them as little people with a social agenda, yet they are.  But, I digress.

The dance was held at a large hotel in one of the ballrooms.  Other centers were invited to participate.  The little girls were just precious.  For the most part, they were between 3 and 6 years old, and they were all dressed in their finest.  It was absolutely adorable.  DD had on a navy blue dress, with a velvet bodice and a skirt with velvet flocking against a silk-type background.  There was just a hint of sparkle to the flocking, which matched her silver sparkle shoes and headband.  When we fastened the buttons on the dress, DD began to spin and spin and spin around the dining room.  You could tell that she felt like a princess.  And she acted accordingly -- daddy was required to carry her to and from the car, because she didn't want to get any snow on her shoes.  Of course he obliged -- soft touch that he is.

Only one other mommy came to the side bar at the hotel, and she was waiting for me.  I understand that a couple of the other moms came to the hotel, but they stayed and watched the dance.  I think that we had more fun at the bar, and it was a good thing that DH was driving.  The time went much to fast for us.  I'm not sure how fast time moved for DH.  But I think he enjoyed it as well, though not nearly as much as DD and me.  I think we should do this more often.  I understand that they have a Mommy/Daughter tea on tap next.  What a nice idea! 

But, on the down side, the teachers were not paid for their time, and even though the party was partially catered by one of those "make dinners to go" places, some of the other things were made by the teachers.  You know, I don't think that they make very much money.  As I recall, the cost was $15 for one couple, with $5 more for each additional child.  Given the cost of child care at this center, I think that the parents probably could have absorbed a bit more of the cost to at least provide some compensation for the teachers.  DH and I bought $25 dinner cards for DD's teachers and put them inside a thank you note.  It really was the least that we could do.

Saturday was DD's very first swimming lesson.  She was so excited!!  There were only four little girls in the class, including DD, and there were three instructors.  So, only one little girl at a time was sitting on the side of the pool waiting for a turn.  And they didn't have to wait very long to be picked up by one of the teachers.  We got up early so that we could go out to breakfast together (it's one of our weekend traditions).  The class started at 9:35.  It's at a private athletic club that allows you to pay an extra fee if you are not a member.  It was $70 for non-members for seven lessons.  Not bad, especially considering that members are charged $50.  I have no idea what an annual membership costs, but I can't imagine that the savings would be so great that it would pay for the difference between the member and non-member price. 

All in all, it was a pretty nice weekend.  I still can't believe how fast DD is growing up.  Sometimes, it seems like such a blur.  But it certainly is fun, and it gets better and better all the time.

* -- DD has some dress up clothes that allow her to imagine that she's Belle, Snow White, Cinderella, or Aurora (yes, we are totally enmeshed in the evil Disney princess snare).  When she is in costume, we are required to call her by the character name (she gets really p*ssed off if we don't).  DH is her prince, and she will summon him by yelling, "oh, prince!  Prince!  I need you.  Come here!"  It's hilarious.  Lately, I've been referring to him the same way.  Oddly, he doesn't come so quickly when I call.

A Small Poll

So, how many of you still have your Christmas trees up?

Hands, please.

Oh, I see.

Nope, no special reason for asking.  None at all.

I Can't Believe He Asked

I've mentioned before that I spend Saturday afternoons with my father trying to clear out the house.  Yesterday was no exception.  And, sadly, we talked about the fact that my mother had died exactly five months ago.  It seems like a long time, and yet it seems like no time at all.

Since my mother's passing, I have often been angry with my father, and I've mentioned one of our disputes here.  Sometimes, I really wonder if my mother even knew him -- despite the fact that they lived together for fifty years.

For example, my grandparents owned a very small cottage several hours away from my parent's house.  My grandparents retired there.  It was very important, very precious to my mother.  It is very special to my brother and I.  I do remember, though, that my mother had a concern that my father might remarry, and that my brother and I would find ourselves inheriting along with any offspring his new wife had.  However, she wanted him to be able to spend as much time up there as he wanted, thinking that he was as much in love with it as she was.  To accomplish this, her will gives him a life estate only, and as far as I know, my father's name has never been on the deed.  This means that the house is my father's to do with as he pleases for as long as he lives, and then the ownership transfers to my brother and I.  My mother talked extensively with me about this, so I knew what her will said before I read it.

Little did my mother know how he really felt.  She hadn't even been buried yet, and he said that he planned to sell the house.  I told him that would be hard to do, because as far as I knew (and still do), he only holds a life a estate.  You can try to sell your property if you want under those circumstances, but no one is going to buy it.  As soon as my father dies, no matter what he's done with the property, my brother and I will own the house.  To his credit, he didn't want to sell for the money, which he said he would give to my brother and I.  And, I do understand that he doesn't want the burden of taxes, etc., which amount to a few thousand dollars a year.  I did tell him that I would be more than happy to pay half, provided he also asked my brother for half.  As far as I know, he's not done so.  He can afford the expense, because he does have some savings, but I do understand that he doesn't want to.  But still -- his first response was to want to sell it.  Clearly, my mother didn't see that one coming.

He's made comments about how now that she's gone, he can be organized.  And, now that she's gone, he's never late for anything.  He's quick to add that he would prefer her here, but he's doing fine.  Just fine and dandy.  Please understand, I don't want him to suffer.  But I am not interested in hearing, over and over, how much better things are now that she's gone.  I'm not sure that he realizes that's how he comes across, but he does.

Sometimes, I wonder how he really felt about her.  He's mentioned a few times that oftentimes, the remaining spouse will die within a year.  I couldn't hold my tongue, but I was gentle when I said that I thought that normally happened when people were very, very close and couldn't imagine themselves going on without the other.  I told him that he probably didn't fit into that category, did he?  He didn't dispute that point.

Moving on.  Yesterday, my father mentioned that he'd lost touch with one of his friends, and he really wished that he could connect with him again.  I think that it was a high school friend, and this man is my brother's godfather.  I asked him for all the information that he had, and I said that I would scout around on the Internet for him.  I asked him if there were any other people he wanted me to look for, while I was at it.  And he said yes, and gave me a woman's name.

I had never heard of this woman before.  I asked him why he wanted to find her, and he said that they were "friends."  I couldn't resist -- I asked him if they'd ever dated, and he said "yeah, a few times."  And apparently she also dated all his friends as well (that part was interesting, eh?).  Not believing what I thought I was hearing, I asked rather bluntly if he was trying to find this woman so that he could start dating her.  And he said "yeah, I'd date her."

So, let's summarize, shall we?  My mother has been dead for five months, and my father wants me to find him a date.  Apparently, it's time to move on.  I don't think that I am going to help him with this one, but rather than silently seething, I will probably tell him how I feel.  I did ask him if I could find old friends for him, so I opened the door, but honestly, this just seems like a line that shouldn't be crossed.  He knows how close I was to my mom, and it's just not right to even ask this kind of a "favor."

Am I wrong?  What would you do?

Happy Heart Day

Today was kind of a sucky day at work.  I've been really busy, and I like that part (though it makes it hard to keep up with the 116 blogs I have on Bloglines -- I'm still recovering from Nanopoblowme or whatever that was).  The sucky part is the senior management.  They just have a way of dragging everything out and making things more difficult than they need to be.  But, you know, they pay me pretty well, and I can leave at 4:30.  So, it's not all that bad.

The best part of the day was leaving early to go to DD's party.  DD had asked both DH and me to come.  And, we arranged our schedules so that we could.  Another good thing about where I work.  Very flexible for family things.  My boss' boss is very sensitive about that -- she had two boys of her own, and she regrets missing some of the important things.  So she makes sure that my office mates and I are able to spend time with our little ones.

I really kind of overdid it this time with the bags that we made for the kids, but I have to say, there was one mom who was more over the top than me.  But she's moving to China soon for a two-year assignment.  So I guess I'll be at the top of over the top.

They'd had a sign up sheet for the party supplies, and the parents were invited to partake after the kids had been served.  Most of the kids brought in Valentine's Day cards, and many brought in bags of goodies for everyone.  DD's haul was bigger than at Halloween.  I never realized that this is a bigger occasion.  Maybe it's just because she is officially in the Preschool room now, and there are 16 kids in there.

The school offered the opportunity to buy a flower for the teachers from a local florist, accompanied by a message.  We also bought a balloon for DD, which came with flowers and a heart pillow.  Our message to her was "to our favorite Valentine."  And she is.

DH bought me three more Trollbeads for my bracelet.  I knew those were coming, because brought the brochure down a few days ago and asked me to choose what I wanted.  But, he surprised me with some red roses in a really beautiful red vase.  I sent him flowers, as I always do, and I gave him a card this morning.

DD received a card from her Aunt C and Uncle A.  They live in Arizona, and she doesn't get to see them often.  But Aunt C makes sure that DD always has a card on every occasion, and she always makes sure to send along a birthday gift.  Seeing the card made me kind of sad, because it immediately reminded me of last year.  My parents had driven to Alabama, I think, and they were getting ready to go on a cruise.  My mom made sure to drop a Valentine in the mail for DD.  It was to be the last she would ever get from her, though we obviously didn't know it at the time.  So many little things remind me of my mom, and the tears just sneak up on me sometimes.

DD's school has a new center director.  She has been an assistant for a long time.  She has a lot of new ideas, though they do seem to be a little rule-governed.  I guess we are all like that, the first time we get a taste of management.  It takes awhile to realize that flexibility is key.  But I digress.

The reason that I mention this is that they are trying new things as well.  One of which is a Daddy/Daughter dance, which will be held next Friday at a local hotel.  I ordered a beautiful dress for DD -- it's navy blue, her daddy's favorite color.  I think she will make an excellent date.  I am welcome, but not to attend the dance.  I can come, but only if I hang out in the bar.  I am hoping that they have given the same message to the other moms.

Hmm.  At the bar.  No child to watch.  My only job is to relax after work for an hour and half.  Now, that will be hard to take, won't it?

I'm Just Generally Pissed Off, I Guess

This is all just general whining . . . plus some miscellaneous.  DH says that I'm always pissed off about something.  Hmmm.  Maybe.  I think that it is a reflection of a passion for life.  But maybe I'm just bitchy.  No, I think it's passion.

Today, it took me THREE HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES to get home.  Last week, during the last snow that we had, it was fifteen minutes more.  I would say that each time, DD was in the car for at least half of the allotted time.  To say that this pisses me off is an understatement.  However, DD's vocabulary was enriched, though not in a good way.

Last winter, I complained about the washing machine drain pipe freezing up every time the thermometer dipped below 20 degrees.  Our wonderful handyman fixed it for us so I no longer have to haul my laundry to the laundromat for weeks on end during the cold spells.  Long story, but I guess the "S" part of the pipe was buried in some dirt (it's in an area that we can't really get to from the rest of the basement).  He was able to raise it up, and it works like a charm.  Go, M!  He also added a couple of pipes coming off the furnace to heat the area to keep the drain pipe and the kitchen sink water lines from freezing.  But that meant that more air flow volume was taken away from the rest of the house.  So we decided that we would put an accelerator on the line that went upstairs, which most directly leads to our bedroom.  The net effect of this is that our bedroom is toasty, and the rest of the house is freezing.  Literally.  The windows in my office (soon to be DD's bedroom if I find the time) have ice on the lower part of the pane.  Have I mentioned, again, that I f*cking hate winter?  Of course, if we had any insulation, or more than single pane windows, it probably would help.

My cell phone company insists that my bank dishonored a check for insufficient funds.  The problem with this is that my on-line bank statement has no record that the check was ever presented, and my account balance on the date that they said the check was dishonored could have paid the bill more than twenty times over (and at no time has the balance ever dropped below a few hundred dollars).  This is the second time that they've done this to me.  The first time was back in March 2006, and that time they actually turned the phone off and charged me $20 to turn it back on, and $20 for a late fee (and my daughter was 18 months old at the time, and my mother was suffering from end-stage liver disease).  It took them MONTHS to refund the money.  This time, it was a $20 late fee or else they would shut it off.  You know, I'm guilty until proven innocent.  But I'm not allowed to send them a copy of my bank statement.  It must be a letter.  From my financial institution.  And it can't be mailed, because they won't give a street address.  No, it must be faxed.  And then I get to wait forever for a refund.  T-Mobile?  F*ck you.  This time, you can answer to the state attorney general and the FCC, because your actions certainly appear to be nothing less than consumer fraud.  May I suggest that you consider this fair warning if T-Mobile is your carrier?

Nothing much going on with the baby front.  We haven't heard anything about our donor's test results.  DH went in for his blood work and sperm evaluation.  I came today for "cultures." 

I had a long talk with the doctor about their forms, which neither my husband nor I remember signing the last time.  They talk about giving consent to enter a "program," which will require monitoring throughout the pregnancy and beyond.  Um, no thank you?  We are supposed to sign that we received "the legal statement," but no one has any idea where this statement is. 

We are also supposed to tell them the number of embryos that we want transferred, but we are kind of up in the air about that at the moment.  No more than two.  But maybe one, since the donor is only 27.  My doctor told me today that the risk of twins is about 14%, the same as when we did injections.  Ha!  We did injections for TWO YEARS and couldn't even get a singleton.  (I stupidly mentioned that to someone in the lounge today, and I could kick myself for doing it -- she was just starting down that road.  I wasn't trying to be hurtful, it was part of the flow of the conversation, but I should have shut the h*ll up.  I remember when I was that full of hope.  Sigh.)  But, he said that with two embryos transferred, there are 1.4 pregnancies on average.  And he also said that a lot of the time the patient wants to use her sister, who is usually close in age.  This tells me that the stats are probably higher when the donor is younger.  But, he insisted that no, it's about 14%.

And, we are supposed to check one of three boxes that instructs them what we want to do with the leftover embryos -- donate to another couple, donate for research, or destroy them.  I know that this is an emotionally charged issue, but DH and I are in complete agreement -- we would donate the embryos.  I would like an open arrangement; he wants anonymity.  (We never completely agree on anything.)  The nurse told DH if he checked the first box (donate to another couple), it would mean thousands more dollars in tests, so he should just pick one of the other two for now.  WTF?  If we don't have the tests done on the donor, then I don't think we can donate them under the new FDA regulations.  But I'm not an expert.  My concern is that our donor might not want to have any part of this after she's donated once (it is really pretty rigorous), and she might walk away and not want to be tested at some point in the future.  If it means the difference between being able to donate the embryos or not, then we should get the testing.  The doctor didn't know the answer, but he did say that the donor would be tested after donation.  He thought that met the requirements, but he said he'd let us know.

The doctor also thought that karyotyping was probably not worth the time.  He said that they only do it when a woman has three miscarriages or more, and then, only 2-3% of the time is there an abnormality.  It just gives them an idea of chromosome structure.  It doesn't tell them anything about specific diseases.  He said that our donor does not have a history of miscarriages in her family, so it is probably not an issue.  And it would slow things down by two-three weeks while we wait for the results.  He was in favor of the cystic fibrosis test.  He didn't think we needed any others.

I haven't described all the paperwork, which seems to go on forever.  Sometimes, I wonder what it is like to just have a bottle of wine, have sex, and then see two pink lines on a stick?  Without the paperwork. 

I guess I'll never know.

I Stand Corrected

OK, I was wrong.  Partly wrong anyway.

The initial examination for the brand new donor is paid for by . . . us.  The exam is not a big deal, $190-$250.  But the $3,000 in blood work?  Not something that I expected.  And it doesn't include a test for cystic fibrosis.

Last time, we used a donor who'd donated five other times.  She'd just come off a donation cycle with someone else when she cycled with us.  Which is why this is all new to me.  The blood tests are good for a year.  So, someone else had paid for all of this blood work back then.  And, if we'd chosen a donor whose blood tests were more than a year old, we would have the same expense.  It's probably a little riskier to work with someone brand new, because if they don't pass the physical and the initial blood work, they can't donate.  I could be wrong, but it seems to me that someone is probably more likely to be disqualified at the initial screening than after she becomes a regular donor.  Don't we all wonder about what might show up on our own first round blood tests?  I know I was nervous when I had my first test for HIV and hepatitis, even though it was highly unlikely I was exposed.  I don't even give subsequent tests a second thought, and believe me, when you go through infertility treatments, they test you over and over and over.  (Think about that the next time you share a straw with someone -- it's better to choose the infertile to share with.  I'm just saying.)

As I mentioned before, DH and I discussed genetic testing (karyotyping), since the donor was brand new.  But, after talking with a nurse at the clinic, I've learned that it may not be all that helpful.  In the great scheme of things, it isn't that much more expense.  I think that the clinic quoted me something along the lines of $400.  I've asked that my doctor give me a call when he gets a moment to discuss it further.

The cystic fibrosis test is something that we will do, provided that the donor passes the first round of testing.  It's somewhere around $200.  I don't know if DH is a carrier, and both DH and the donor would have to contribute the gene in order to produce a child with CF.  However, even if the donor is a carrier, I wouldn't go forward, because I wouldn't want to take the 50% chance that the child would be a carrier.  And apparently, neither would my clinic, as the donor would be disqualified from their program. 

Honestly, I think that is the right choice.  If I knew that both DH and I were carriers, even if we were in our 20's, I wouldn't try to have a child in the first place with our genes.  I would adopt, or use donor eggs or donor sperm.  I say "if I knew."  I understand that most of the time, people don't know, and I am not casting aspersions.  It is a tough diagnosis for a child, and I don't think the parents should blame themselves for it.  Most people aren't running around getting genetic testing unless they are aware that there are risks.  But, since we have the chance to avoid it, I think we should.

So, that's where we are now.  The donor had her exam on Thursday, but we won't know the results of the blood work for about a week.  When the donor starts her Lupron, we will need to pay the $4,000 donor fee (which goes directly to the donor), as well as a $400 fee to insure that the donor has medical insurance for her cycle.  The insurance fee is required because not all donors have insurance, and the egg br*ker recently had a bad experience with a donor who hyperstimulated.  I guess the medical bills were upwards of $10,000, and they ended up working through Medicaid to get it covered.  Frankly, I'm amazed that the br*ker was able to find a short-term medical insurance policy for such a reasonable price.

Of course, nothing else in the cycle is "reasonable."  There is the medication (several thousand), ultrasounds, additional blood work, and $8,700 or so for the clinic to supervise the cycle and perform the retrieval/transfer.  And then there is the extra few hundred dollars or so to freeze any leftover embryos.

All of this reminds me of the Mastercard commercial.  When you lay out the fees on paper, it seems like so much.  But when you see that beating heart on the ultrasound, and finally hold your little one in your arms, it is indeed priceless.