(No Longer New) Midlife Mommy

Why Things Are The Way They Are

There was a link to an excellent explanation concerning why we are having a credit crisis posted by Erin from Tales of A Baby Human (password protected).  Here is the link.  It's written in such a way that even I can understand it (smile).

Now That Was A Wild Ride

For some reason, I felt near tears today.  I often worry what the world will be like for my daughter when she goes out into it as an adult, and seeing the financial markets in free fall was very disheartening.  And, we are not alone in this; other world markets are having their own difficulties.  We're all interdependent on each other.  When someone sneezes here, they say "bless you" in France.  And, what would happen if the Chinese were to call in their markers?  Scary, very scary.  I would like to think they wouldn't shoot themselves in the foot, but who knows.

I've tried to talk with DD about the economy in ways that she can understand.  Why her friend W isn't back in school (mom keeps losing her job).  Why we can't buy everything that we want when we want it, because things cost money (but looking is free!).  We talk about how gas is so expensive, and when people are spending more money on gas, sometimes, they don't have enough to buy food.  When DD whined about the fact that I didn't get to stay home with her during the summer like one of her other friends from school, whom I presume is a teacher, I explained that I work so that we have insurance, which is why she can go to the doctor when she needs to, and my job doesn't let me stay home during the summer, much as I would like to be with her.  And, both mommy and daddy work so she can have clothes, and food, and a nice, warm place to sleep.  We talk about how not everyone is so lucky, not everyone has a job, and many, many people don't have health care.  When our church has a glove drive, I take her with me to choose our donation.  She knows that there are kids whose parents can't even afford a lousy pair of gloves, though I doubt that she really understands the gravity of that.  We've talked about the war(s), and she's helped me choose things to send to soldiers based in Afghanistan (things that they'd requested that we were collecting through work and church drives).

As I worried about the financial markets, I thought about some of the things that my parents have told me over the years.  My mom was born just before the Depression started; my father was born just after it began -- they are part of the "greatest generation."  Both remember what it was like back then.  My father has never talked about it much, except to say that everything came back in less than ten years (don't know if that's true); he actually has better recollection of the rationing that went on during the war years. 

On the other hand, my mom remembered lots of details.  How her father was lucky to have a good job (he was a service manager at a dealership).  But, not everyone in the family was so lucky.  Those who didn't have jobs almost lost their property due to unpaid property taxes, like many, many other people.  My grandfather paid the taxes for them, every year, and returned the property to the family members as they paid him back -- without ever charging a dime of interest.  But that meant no Sunday movies, no scooters, no extras.  Her mom taught her how to make things last.  How to make do.  How to do without.  I honestly believe that this is part of the reason why my mom became such a hoarder -- she left my father with more canned goods, toilet paper, and soap than he will ever, ever use.  I think that she just never wanted to be without again.

My mom always lived in fear of the next big one.  If she were still alive, I know that she would believe that it is finally here.  But, she gave me some words of wisdom too, and they were with me today.  Such as:

• When the stock market fell, many people lost everything.  Some people took their lives over this.  Nothing is worth your life.  Don't do anything stupid.
• If the bottom falls out again, you will still wake up every day.  The sun will still rise, the earth will still turn, and you will still have the thing that is most important -- your family.  Just take one day at a time.
• You haven't lost anything until you take your money out.  The markets will always come back.  It may take a lot of time, but it will happen.

So, whatever happens, I will take my mom's advice.  One day at a time.  And, if things go as they always have, DD will remember how it was, but by the time she is on her own, things will have righted themselves.  They always do.

But for now, I will have to be content with one day at a time.

I Guess There Are Worse Things

than being a flower for Halloween:

And holy cow, these are even more expensive than the flower costume!!

I am so glad my daughter didn't see these first.

(In case you're interested:  http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/h510/index.cfm?pkey=gthmocchal)

You Be The Parent

(I have to admit, I swiped that title from Brooklyn Girl.)

My husband and I are total opposites.  About everything, it seems.  I have no idea how we ended up together, except that we make each other laugh.  And, I think we are friends (though we were closer friends before DD came along, sad to say).  Anyway.

DD has just started getting homework.  The teacher sends it home on Wednesday, she has to have it back on Friday, and she gets to check a box once it's returned.  Once she's turned in ten assignments or so, she gets a prize -- but only if they are all turned in.  Initially, the homework assignments are identical to the ones that she's done in class, which is to help build her self-esteem.

So, DD brought her first homework sheet home on a Wednesday.  She went off to work on it.  She was supposed to trace one capital M and write additional M's across a line, trace one small letter m and write additional m's across a line, trace a word ("Pilchard," which I guess is Bob the Builder's cat, but it is also a sardine -- bizarre), write one more Pilchard, and then circle all the objects at the bottom that had m's in them.  Her work was significantly incorrect.  And, woe unto me, I told her that I thought that there were some things that we should erase and try again together.

You'd think that I'd poured acid on her.  Major tantrum ensued.  Not only did she hate me (she didn't say it literally, because she would have lost a privilege, but oh you could tell), she wasn't going to do her homework, she was going to throw it away, she wasn't going to turn in what she'd done, blah, blah, blah.  I reminded her that if she didn't turn it in, she wouldn't get her prize, even if she turned in all of the other assignments.  She didn't care.  I was apparently evil incarnate and she treated me accordingly.

Now, here is where DH and I differ.  I told him what happened.  He said that he would make her work on it again.  I told him that I would let her alone, though I would have probably reminded her about it on Thursday to give her another shot.  But, if her attitude was the same, I would let her suffer the consequences.  No prize, even though her friends would all likely be getting one.  DH's position was that we can't just let her refuse to do homework, and by golly, she was going to do it.  I know that he wouldn't be obnoxious about it, just firm.  And, in the end, she did the homework the next day -- with him.  I told him to feel free to take on this particular chore forever (I do overreact sometimes).

I can see both sides.  I can also see that as a newly minted four year old, she wasn't likely to learn any permanent lessons -- either about consequences, or about mommy and daddy laying down the law about homework.  But I have to admit, I will have the same approach when she's older too.  If she never learns that there are consequences to her actions on the small things, how will she ever appreciate it for the big things?  On the other hand, if DH wants to have a zero tolerance for refusal to do homework, with an eye toward preparing for college, I can understand that as well.

Would you have done it my way, his way, or a different way?  Just curious, because I don't think anyone has this parenting thing down pat.

Starting To Feel Like A Broken Record

Another negative.  The only difference between today and tomorrow is that tomorrow it will be official.

Try again?  Of course.

I think I've described this whole TTC (trying to conceive) thing as something akin to manic/depression.  There's so much activity, so much excitement, leading up to the big event -- whether it's a transfer (for IVF or FET), or the insemination, or whatever -- that's the manic stage.  And then the big, tense wait.  And then the bad news.  The depressive stage.

And sometimes, looking back up at the mountain from way down here, from my lowest point, it seems insurmountable.  But we'll climb again.  And again. 

Right now, what stands between me and my next transfer?  Injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, missed work, pills, pills, pills, probably more acupuncture, more weight gain, and of course, more money.  Sounds exciting doesn't it? Yet, I know I need to keep my eye on the prize.  Though things get blurry sometimes, even when I'm not crying over it.  And, not the least of the issues is trying to become a parent again, when you are older than the right-hand bracket established by society as the "proper" age to parent.  Because of that, time, which always marches on relentlessly, becomes an enemy too.

I will get my perspective back.  I always do.  And, if at first you don't succeed, try, try, again.  But, on the other hand, didn't Einstein say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

Wine.  The great anesthetic.  I think that I will have some tonight and hold my daughter close.

I Think I'll Start Chilling The Wine

The title says it all, I guess.  Another negative.  Not good news.  I should have a second line by now.  And damnit, I was feeling pregnant yesterday, or at least my abdomen was.  Must be the progesterone; there aren't any other symptoms. 

But hey, the child that I do have still delights me.  She loves to make up her own little songs, and slaughter some regular songs (like the Sleeping Beauty Waltz -- lots of off-key phrases, with a liberal sprinkling of "the love of my dreams").  But recently, on DH's birthday, she sang a sweet little song, which DH and I heard through the bathroom door during her morning potty time (which now must be PRIVATE, thank you):

Today is a special day for me
Today is a special day for me
Today is my daddy's birthday
Happy birthday to father.

No particular tune, but still full of sentiment.

And another odd thing that I wanted to document for posterity . . .

I do swear.  I try not to.  I swear more under my breath, in the car when no one is with me, and at work when I'm not thinking about it (though I do try to be conscious about offending people).  Unfortunately, DD has been around sometimes, and she occasionally uses "damn" despite being corrected.  But, even though I'm not very proud of the swearing thing generally, there are certain words that rarely cross my lips. 

The following incident occurred during our 127th round of miniature golf while on vacation (yes, DD discovered miniature golf, and we had to play every day without fail):

DD always went first.  And she liked to hold her putter as though she was playing croquet (sp?).  We tried a couple of times to show her how to hold it (not that we're experts or anything, but we do know at least that much).  It was hopeless.  But, eh, so what, she was having fun, and she'll get it right eventually.  And we looked a lot less silly than the parents of the three year old in front of us who were telling him, "no, no, no -- you have to address the ball."  Yep.  I'm sure that instruction helped him a great deal.  Silly parents.

Anyway.  DD would do little things to amuse herself while DH and I were getting ready to putt.  Like examine the rocks on the side of the green, play with fallen leaves, and once, she decided to stick her putter in the hole to see if it would fit.  It did, and rather snugly.  So, as I'm ready to hit my ball, I hear: 

"I need help mommy.  The bi*ch is stuck."

What did you say?  (Yes, I know, all the books tell you to ignore it.  I was totally in shock and not thinking).

"I said the bi*ch is stuck?  (Pause)  Mommy, what does bi*ch mean?"

Alrighty then.  I'd heard correctly.  A brief explanation followed about it being a word for a female dog and a very mean word used to describe a woman.  And, the requisite lecture on it being an adult word that no one should use, but children especially weren't allowed to use it.  She claimed not to recall where she'd heard that word.  (What the heck is going on at preschool?  Hmmm.  Makes one wonder.)

I do have to hand it to her though.  Whenever she does swear, the context is always perfect.  I know that I should be ashamed, but that makes me just a little bit proud.

I Know, Too Early

But it was negative anyway.  )-:

My official test is Saturday.  Of course I did my usual thing and bought three early detection tests.  Why?  Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess.  I will likely test tomorrow and Friday.  If they're both negative, I won't expect anything better on Saturday.

A Primer, Of Sorts

(Somewhat political post, but not quite, and no, I'm not telling how I'm going to vote.  Honestly, I don't mean this to be for or against either candidate; I'm making a point about important things that many of us may have forgotten.  The three examples below are the first ones that came to mind because they are the most recent statements that I've heard on the radio, television, read somewhere, or overheard in conversation.)

If I had to order the government branches by the power they wield, from strongest to weakest, I would have to put legislative branch (Congress -- the Senate and House of Representatives) first, because they make the laws, and they control the budget.  Next would be the judicial branch (Supreme Court), because, in addition to deciding other disputes, they interpret the laws that Congress writes to see how they measure up to the Constitution.  Finally, there's the executive branch (President). 

I'm kind of a government/constitutional junkie.  And, quite frankly, I have been rather offended by some of the advertisements that have been tossed out there on the internet, the television, and the radio.  They start from faulty premises, and they make faulty claims.

For example:

1.  If elected, John McCain would overturn Roe v. Wade:

Nope, he couldn't do that.  The Supreme Court is the only branch of government that can "overturn" a court decision.  Sometimes, if the legislature thinks the court is wrong, it can draft new legislation (which the court could review to determine if it was constitutional).  With regard to this issue, the Supreme Court has found an implied constitutional right to have an abortion without government interference.  When that is the case, then Congress can't pass a law that would outlaw abortion (though it can be regulated).

So, what could John McCain do?  Well, Article II, Section II, of the Constitution allows him to nominate a person to be considered for a Supreme Court justice.  But, he doesn't have the final say.  No Supreme Court judge can take the bench without the advice and consent of the Senate.  And, as you may recall, the Senate doesn't always give its consent.  Unless the same party controls both the executive and legislative branches, an ideologue is never going to be appointed.  In order to "overturn" Roe, the Supreme Court would have to reverse itself, something that is not done lightly. 

In the event that new justices are appointed, and an abortion case comes before the court, and the court "reverses" itself, what would happen?  Would abortion be illegal?

Nope.  It would be up to the individual states at that point.  Undoubtedly, some states would outlaw abortion.  You may or may not think that is a good idea.

So, back to the original issue -- it is simply untrue to say that John McCain could overturn Roe v. Wade.

2.  If elected, Barack Obama would raise taxes:

Nope, he couldn't do that.  Remember what I said about who controls the purse strings? 

The budget process is kind of confusing, and you can't find it explained in the Constitution (though Article 1, Section 7 tells you that all revenue bills originate in the House of Representatives). The President can ask for money for his programs and projects.  But the Congress appropriates money.

Now, should Barack Obama have, from his perspective, the good fortune to have a majority of Congress who share the same ideas (say if there were a majority of Democrats), then his requests would likely be implemented.  Faced with a majority Republican Congress, not so much.

3.  John McCain backs a constitutional amendment to outlaw abortion (or gay marriage, or whatever):

Well, maybe he does.  My answer to that is so what?  It is extraordinarily freaking hard to amend the Constitution.  So, how could it be done?  Article V of the Constitution provides the explanation.

Two-thirds of the Senate AND two-thirds of the House can propose an amendment.  Or, two-thirds of the legislatures of the fifty states can ask for a convention that would call for amendments.  Then, three-fourths of the fifty states have to ratify any amendment, either through their respective legislatures or through a convention.

Simply put, it is safe to say that it is not going to happen. 

So, do I care that John McCain would back any constitutional amendment?  No, not a bit.  And, do I care that Sarah Palin might have a personal opinion about abortion?  No, not a bit.  As vice-president, she doesn't even have a horse in that race.  Should McCain/Palin be elected, and should John McCain die in office, see #1.

So, there you have it.  I had been feeling that the candidates should be ashamed of themselves for perpetrating these falsehoods.  But you know, really, we are the ones who should be ashamed, because we've forgotten how our government works.

Don't believe me?  Want to know what the Constitution says about the limits of the presidential power?  Read it for yourself (see Article II).

She Is Just Strange Sometimes

We try very hard to let DD make her own decisions about appropriate things.  What to wear, what to eat, what she wants to do with the time that she spends with each of us in the evenings, etc.  We do have veto power, but DD isn't usually over the top in any of her requests.  Because she gets so many opportunities to choose, she will often just let me decide -- "Oh, I don't care mommy.  You pick."  I really do see this as progress of sorts, because I've heard about many families who battle over the issue of choice.  Maybe we're just lucky, or maybe DD does get enough opportunity to meet her needs.

Halloween is no different.  I chose the costumes for the first few years, but beginning last year, DD was on her own.  Her first year she was an angel (totally cute), her second year a ladybug (also cute), and she was Elmo her third year (eh, not the cutest choice).  Last year, she chose.  What do you think she wanted?  To be a Dalmatian.  I have no idea where that came from, because she's never even seen the 101 Dalmatians movie.  But, even though I thought her fixation on this seemed a little odd, I started looking around the internet for a Dalmatian costume.  I found a one, and even though I had to do battle with the company for posting sizes that had nothing to do with the actual size of the costume, DD was happy.  Really, really happy.  Once she'd made up her mind, she never changed it.

This year, I would have bet a lot of money that she would choose a princess costume.  Or a cute little witch costume.  But no.  She wanted to be . . . a flower.  What?  I didn't even think that I could find such a thing, but lo and behold:

(Tom Arma Flower)                            

And it comes in a 4T/5T, and the measurements match.  I asked her many times about this one, because quite frankly, it looks rather dorky to me, and it was more than I wanted to spend on a costume.  But, her heart was set on it -- even after seeing it! -- so I finally ordered it.  I gave her lots of opportunities to back out, but now, we've committed.  The costume is on its way.

I am so glad that I'm documenting our journey together.  Because I have a feeling that when she gets older, she is going to try to pin this choice on me and claim that this is reason why she has deep-seated anxieties.

She's already looking forward to next year.  When she wants to be a house.  Oh, joy.

Updated to add:  I have no idea why this photo is showing up twice.  Seriously, I wouldn't do that to you on purpose.

The News Was Good

So, that leaves door #2 -- they are just a$$holes, or at least the nurse who was supposed to make the call is.  (I'm really not a drama queen -- I would have updated, but our internet service went down.)  Before I say anything further, thanks to all of you who reached out in empathy and with warm wishes for our success.  It means a great deal to me.

On Monday, I called as soon as the switchboard opened at the sister clinic (where they do all the transfers). K (one of the nurses) answered, and she told me when to come in.  She seemed to be completely up to date regarding what we were doing, and she was aware that we needed to sign additional consents.  She said that they must have just been "busy" in the lab and forgot to call.  I didn't say anything further to her about it.  We came in, dutifully signed the forms, and I took my Valium.

I did complain to my doctor when he came down for the transfer.  He is, after all, an owner of this business now.  He agreed that it was unacceptable, that there is no reason that they couldn't have called.  I told him that it was more than not knowing how to schedule our day; not hearing from the embryologist meant that I had a sleepless night thinking that the embryos had died and no one wanted to tell us.  He said that even if that were the case, we were owed a call, and there was no excuse for not making it.  At least he acted perturbed about it, or so it seemed to me through my Valium-induced haze.

I also took that moment to b*tch about what happened with the donor cycle.  Specifically, how we were told that we would have to cancel our cycle because we checked the box that said that we intended to donate our unused embryos to another couple -- after paying for most of the cycle, as well as the donor related expenses -- when, in fact, all we needed to do was modify the consent form.  Another four days of hell.  All unnecessary.  He said that he was aware of that situation as well, and that the problem was caused by "people who got involved who didn't know what they were talking about."  Apparently, he meant J, our usual nurse.  She's been very nice to us, but if she was the root of that problem, then she really does need to step back and not try to be so "helpful."  Or, they could just update their forms and avoid the problem altogether.

All that aside, the good news is . . . (drum roll) . . . both of the PNs survived and grew into two beautiful embryos, six and seven cells respectively.  That leaves five embryos, frozen in two straws.  I'm hopeful that this cycle works, but if it doesn't, it should mean at least one more shot at it.

I think I've mentioned before that our clinic used to be part of a local hospital program.  They broke off last year, but all of the transfers, invasive testing, etc. are still performed at the hospital clinic.  I used to use that location as my regular clinic before we moved to the house we are in now.  It's a fairly large facility, and they have a nice fountain in the middle of the atrium. I always enjoy seeing it, even though many times, I have not been in a good place while walking past.

DH and I have a habit of throwing some coins in the fountain after every transfer and making a wish.  This time, he wished for "just one."  (Transferring more than one embryo, or even doing our IUIs with multiple follicles, just freaks him the heck out, so I'm sure his wish was heartfelt.)  I wished for a "happy, healthy little girl." 

I hope we both get our wish.  Though seriously, I would settle for just happy and healthy.