A Question Of Etiquette (Part II)

Wow, I couldn't believe I'd used this title before but sure enough, I did.  The previous post had to do with the question of the proper amount of time to wait before flushing a hapless tadpole down the commode after he refused rescue (don't worry; we eventually did save the little bugger).

This really is actually more of an Emily Post type of question.  DD was invited to three -- count them -- three birthday parties this month.  She likes to go, we are flattered that she is invited, and we always RSVP with a yes.  I usually try to keep the present cost to about $20, but when you add the card, the wrap, and a gift bag, well, it can add up to about $30.  It's OK.  I haven't had to take a pay cut at work -- yet (that will be coming soon, I think, and I will gladly do it to save jobs, but that's another story).

So, in addition to the time and expense of getting and wrapping the presents, we also spend our time with DD at the parties.  Again, our choice.  Two of them were at a place that I think of as a giant "bounce house," which is just a warehouse filled with large inflatables that the kids enjoy for about an hour and a half followed by pizza.  It can be kind of boring for us, especially since we don't know the other parents at DD's new school yet, though this last time, I did a little bouncing and it made the time go faster (DH refused to partake).

A couple of days after the last party, we received an e-mail that thanked us for coming and advised us that if we'd brought a present, it was appreciated.  I'd say the e-mail was about three sentences long and probably took five minutes to compose.  Mom and dad elected to take all the presents home and not open them after pizza, which is not the usual practice at the bounce house (DD had her party there last year, so we are familiar with how they do things).  I guess that's really a personal preference, though the kids do seem to enjoy seeing their individual present opened by the birthday boy or girl.  On the other hand, it makes for a lot to squeeze in during a short period of time.

I'm glad to have received the acknowledgment, but I did feel just a (very) little insulted, and I'm wondering if it is just me.  When DD receives a present, we keep track of it and we send a thank you note.  When she was very small, I wrote them.  When she got a little older, I wrote them and she traced her name on the dots I drew.  Even older, she wrote her name.  Now, she tells me what she wants the notes to say, I print it out, and she copies what I've written and signs her name.  I have always felt that is the very least that someone can do.  On the other hand, at least this was an acknowledgment of sorts, and I have given wedding presents for which I was never thanked, and that bothers me so much more.

So, am I hopelessly old-fashioned, or do you think that the e-mail was a little under the top?

Comments

[Lorraine]

Um, yeah - that email was worse than nothing at all. With nothing, you can at least assume that the people meant well but were swamped or disorganized or something came up... still kinda lame, but you can stretch to accept it and when you see them and they say something nice about having you there, how much the gift meant, etc. - at least it seems heartfelt.

So I guess you can tell, we've been through this a lot. We streamlined the process by buying a stash of B&N gift cards, which we gave to everyone. (Now we give iTunes gift cards.) Special friends get something really personal, either in addition or instead of, but that's only for a select few kids.

I am also NOT a fan of fancy wrapping for kids. The great thing about the bookstore cards is that they fit in an envelope, or they give you a tiny box to put them in, so even a scrap of wrapping paper works. Add a nice ribbon and voila, you're done.

I guess it seems less meaningful than picking out a gift for each kid's personality, but honestly, unless I know the family well we have no idea what that kid has or likes or needs - every kid can use a book.

If someone I don't really know doesn't properly thank me for a gift I didn't really think too much about, it's fine. And the special friends - the ones that we spend lots of time looking for just the right thing for - do sometimes seem to forget about a thank you note, but they always do have something meaningful and sweet to say about the gift, so somehow it's not so bad.

Okay, that's my long answer - a mass email is never the way to go!

[kris (lower case)]

i always sent thank you cards to everyon who bought my son a gift from the time he was a baby onward until he was about 7 and then it occured to me that i was the only parent doing this. and i do mean the only one. i can not think of but 1 time, maybe 2 that anyone ever sent us a thank you card. so being a slug, i stopped sending them too. i do still rsvp which is something else no one seems to bother doing so i am still not as much of a slug as others!

[Sue]

I think the e-mail was an attempt at some kind of half-assed etiquette, but it was inappropriate. No gift acknowledgement at all would have been less noteworthy than sending such a memorable e-mail!

[niobe]

I keep my expectations really, really low. But I think that that a group email to the effect of "if you gave us a present ('cause we can't figure out/remember if you did) we really, really appreciate it (despite the fact that we can't figure out/remember if you did)" probably manages not quite to meet even my reduced expectations.

And I love the phrase "under the top."

[After Words]

Yeah, not cool.

At my son's 4th birthday, he started opening gifts while I was out of the room. It was not part of the plan, but it was hard for me to backtrack and say what had come from whom. I wrote some particularly vague thank you notes....

[Kami]

I am really bad about sending thank you cards. I have the best of intentions, but like so many things, just never get around to it.

But I would be ashamed to send that email. Your post actually has me thinking that maybe I should start emailing my thank you letters - maybe then I would get it done. And I think a thoughtful "thank your for the lovely teapot. I use it almost daily." in email form would be better than none at all.

After Words has a point too. Hmmm . . .

Loved the more recent post too.