Recently Overheard At Our House

DD:    AAAAAHHHH.  NOOOOOOO.  Mommy, DON'T FLUSH THE POTTY!!

Me:    Um, why not, DD?  We need to flush the potty after you go.

DD:    I don't want to say.

Me:    It's OK sweetie, why don't you want me to flush the potty?

DD:    You know.

Me:    Um, the -

DD:    DON'T SAY IT MOMMY!!!!

Me:    (whispers) you mean . . . the wolves?

DD:    AAAAAHHHH.  You said it mommy!  You said it mommy!

[DD has been afraid of wolves since she saw one on a Little House on the Prairie rerun and the Martha Speaks cartoon.]

Me:    OK, DD.  What does the thing-that-I-can't-mention have to do with the potty?

DD:    (Points to the top tank and whispers)  Up there, mommy.

[We have one of those pull chain toilets]

Me:    I don't really think anything is up there.  How about if we look up there?  I'll hold you tight, and nothing will hurt you.  I promise, and you know I always tell you the truth.

DD:    (looks unconvinced but agrees)

[Ugh.  Lifting 43 pound child.]

Me:    See?  Nothing there, right?

DD:    No, mommy.

Me:    So, no -

DD:    SHHHHHH, mommy.  DON'T SAY IT!

Me:    OK, I won't say it.

DD:    But they're there mommy.  They just aren't up there now.

Me:    Well, where did they go?

DD:    They went down the pipes.

Me:    (pointing to pipes that are about 2" in diameter) Those pipes? 

DD:    (nods)

Me:    DD, how does a you-know-what fit down the pipe?

DD:    (gives me a well, du-uh look) They shrink mommy.

Me:    Oh.  Well how do they breathe?

DD:    (another duh look)  They have scuba equipment, of course.

Me:    Oh.  How does a -

DD:    DON'T SAY IT MOMMY!

Me:    OK, OK.  Well how does one of those get scuba equipment?

DD:    Moom-meeee . . . they buy it of course.

Me:    Oh.  Really?  Where?

DD:    At the store, where you would buy it.  Geez, mommy.

Me:    But DD, if they've gone down the pipes, then they've gone to the sewer where everything else goes, so no worries!

DD:    No, mommy.  They come up into the water part under the lid.

Me:    Well how can they come up when the water is flushing down?  Wouldn't the water push them away?

DD:    They are very good swimmers mommy, just like me.

Me:    OK.  So the reason that we can't flush the potty is because there may be a you-know-what that shrinks down to microscopic size while wearing scuba gear that might come up into the bowl?

DD:    Exactly.  That's what I've been trying to tell you!

Me:    [Sigh.  There's just no arguing with that.]