So, you may have been wondering why I haven't been here much. You may think that it's because of my miscarriage. And in a way, it is. But it's more than that.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year since I lost my baby, though I haven't had a year of healing. I've been waiting to write this post, thinking that I've gotten it wrong, that there aren't people out there who could be so amazingly insensitive, uncaring, and cruel. Ah, but I would be wrong!
While my grief was sharp and my eyes raw, someone that I've communicated with once in awhile over the years reached out to me. She has always been nice. And funny. And I used to like to read her blog. She read my blog as well. She commented. I commented. She is a DE mom, just like me. And she says she is Christian, just like me.
I mentioned that someone had offered us the opportunity to adopt her embryos last year, and yes, it was this person. I was surprised when she approached me, because I remember her writing about giving her embryos to another couple a few years ago. Apparently, that didn't happen.
At first, I didn't think I could do it. I was still in a lot of pain. And, honestly, I was angry about what happened too. But, while I was completely prepared for a negative pregnancy test that morning last August, I admit I was emotionally weak. I couldn't understand why we lost the baby. If it wasn't intended for us, then why did it happen? So, while in that state, I convinced my husband to try again. To give these embryos a chance to be raised in a loving family. (With a rock star big sister, I might add!)
He wasn't immediately on board with this. After all, it's a big step. He had no idea who this person and her husband were. And honestly, neither did I, because how much can you really know someone through brief exchanges on the Internet? But, once again, he agreed to support me. So, I said we would love to accept the unbelievable offer.
I tried to do everything that was asked. Phone calls when she asked for them. Long emails that discussed feelings and expectations. Working with my clinic to find out what was necessary. After she signed a release, having my clinic call her clinic to find out about whether the embryos were properly labeled and asking questions about how they'd been frozen. Hiring an attorney and going back and forth through no less than four versions of the agreement to try to make sure that everything that she said was important to her was in there before it was ever sent to her. And making the one minor change that she requested.
There were little clues, I suppose. After our long telephone discussion toward the end of last year, during which she said she knew that I wanted to wrap things up quickly, she didn't answer my emails in January. Or in February. With my husband's encouragement, I called her. The first time, she said she was too busy to talk and that she'd call back. Except she didn't. I called again. This time she could talk. Emails? Nope, hadn't gotten those. Must have been caught in the spam filter. Are you sure you haven't changed your mind? No, we haven't changed our mind, and you can always call me at this number. If I can't answer, I'll will always call back. We've talked about this, and it's the right thing to do. Would you please tell us if you change your mind? Of course, but we are certain.
I sent the agreement and heard nothing. Inquired. Maybe it was the spam filter? Sent it again. No response. After two weeks of nothing, all of a sudden, I'm told they are fine with the agreement. Honestly, it sounded as though this was the first time that she and her husband had discussed some of the more significant issues relating to embryo donation (or at least that was my interpretation based on some of the things she shared). But OK, I was glad they'd reached an understanding with each other, and I was glad that they shared it with me so that we could respect their wishes. We were moving forward. Contract would be placed in the mail the next day. I went for blood work and a hysterosonography, which was an additional out of pocket expense. Her husband was going to go for blood work the next day.
Except he didn't go for blood work. (Actually, I think this was the third time he was supposed to go "right away" for blood work and didn't.) And the contract didn't arrive in the mail. I called and asked about it, and she acted surprised, because she said that they'd had it notarized the very next day after she emailed me, and then they'd put it in the mail. I asked if she could forward another copy. Of course!
Except it never came. I followed up by email. Then through a Facebook message. And then I called. Went to voice mail. I left a message and said that I was just following up, since we'd not received anything in the mail - was everything OK? No return call. I called again a few days later and said that I wasn't trying to be a pest, but could she please tell me where we were? And, if she'd changed her mind, would she please tell me so that I wouldn't need to keep calling? Nothing. Not even an email to tell me to f*ck off and quit bothering them.
It's been well over a month now since my last call to her. In fairness, when we first started talking about going forward, I learned that she'd had a really terrible family loss. I would have understood if she didn't want to go through with it. But she insisted that this was important, she wanted to give the embryos a chance, and it just seemed right to her. And a few months ago, she had a health scare herself, but she also told me that she was adjusting well, things were fine, and we were moving forward. So, frankly, I don't know what her issue is because she hasn't bothered to tell me. She did confide that they were disputing the amount of storage fees that their clinic wanted to charge them, and in one of my last voice mails, I said that we would help with that if that is what the issue was.
It hurts. It hurts. I'm back to crying when I see a baby. Why wouldn't I? I never had a chance to work through that because we've been strung along for almost a year now. And each of the times when she wouldn't return my emails or my calls, the tears were always right there, just under the surface, breaking through without warning.
What's even worse is how to talk about the finality with DD. She really wanted that baby we lost. She has been asking still about having a brother or sister. I want to be a big sister mommy. Will I ever be a big sister? Because I believed we were going forward with the embryo adoption, I hedged my bets with her, telling her that you never know. If God is willing, then it will be. But, apparently, she will not ever be a big sister. And she would be a good one. And it s*cks that she will not be a big sister. And it s*cks that I wasted a year of my life dealing with this person at the expense of any other option.
I guess you really can't trust people that you meet on the internet. And you should never, ever trust them in matters of the heart.