New Midlife Mommy

Sorry if this is TMI

Light brown discharge starting yesterday (five days post transfer) and no idea what this means.  It happened to me when I had a blighted ovum fairly constantly until the D & C, and it happened very early in my pregnancy with DD -- following the ultrasound, the doctor told us that the discharge was the loss of the second baby (that I've never told her about).

I'm going to stop Googling now and get back to the child that I can hug and sniff and kiss and love.

Here She Is

Transfer went fine.

And then I had to put my cat of 14 years to sleep, and it was unexpected (unexpected that it would be today).  I suspected chronic renal failure, because I'd had three cats die of it previously (two in the last six years).  None of them went so far down so fast.  I expected that she would be around for another six months to a year, but we were not so lucky.  Her values just wouldn't come back down since we started her on fluids on Saturday evening.  Faced with only a miserable few more days of life, I made a very sad choice.  Fortunately, I've been talking with DD about this, so she knew what "putting an animal to sleep" means, and how it is the kinder thing to do sometimes. 

For them, not for us.  Never for us. 

"One To Transfer"

I must have had the radio on too loud on the way home from the acupuncturist this morning.  Which is probably a good thing, because it probably wouldn't have been a good thing to see my doctor's name come up on my phone at this time on a transfer day while driving.  So, I didn't get the message until I pulled into the garage.  Seeing that there was a message from them, and thinking the worst, made it easier to hear the message . . . "one to transfer."  Not the best news, but not the worst.  Transfer at 12:30.

Just Passin' Through

Too.  Damned.  Busy. 

Holidays.  Stress to the nth degree.  Check.  (Still, I'm glad to be alive for another year.)

40% reduction in staff, with that working mostly coming to me.  Check.  (I'm glad to have a job though.)

Office is moving to another building in a week and a half.  Check.  (Building is beautiful.)

Errands have increased tenfold on Saturdays.  Check.  (Blessed to have a job to be able to buy things.)

Still working at my father's house on Sundays.  Check.  (So very glad to have a father.)

Oh yeah.  And I'm in the midst of another cycle.  Two little frozen embryos waiting.  Check plus!  Supported cycle this time, because they want an even thicker lining.  So, I get to take five tablets of evil Estrace, twice a day.  Three of them are taken orally.  I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out where the other two go.  Transfer on 12/21, which is kind of nice, because DD's transfer was on 12/13, so I'm hoping this is a good omen.  (And yes, thankful for another chance.)

Stay well, and stay warm. 

And The Prize For Idiot Goes To . . .

Me.  I cannot believe what a freaking bonehead I am sometimes. 

I have been very stressed lately.  Work has been horrendously busy; our staffing is down 40% (but I am thankful to have a job).  The cuts were due to transfers and not layoffs, thank goodness.  One voluntary (a promotion!) and one not voluntary (transferred to another department that was short-staffed).

Most of that work has gone to me.  I really do try to limit my day to eight hours, given that I have a two-three hour commute.  Frankly, it's not close to possible lately.  Even though I work through lunch, there have been a lot of nights lately that I've missed dinner with DD because I needed to work later than normal.  Now, I realize that is a way of life for a lot of people, but I probably make 50% the salary that I could if I worked somewhere else.  The trade-off for the reduced salary is the eight hour day, the opportunity to really take vacations, and weekends off.  And, in addition to the increased workload, we are changing buildings.  I'm delighted, because the new place is much nicer, but it's just more stress, particularly when your office looks like a nuclear testing site.  (To be clear, I am not complaining -- I will take the increased workload and the reduced salary -- I like what I do, I like my boss, and I like his boss.  How many people have that?)

Now to the bonehead part.  I am in the middle of another cycle and am currently on my pill month.  I started Lupron two days ago.  Everything was on track this weekend.  But, when I checked my pills last night as I usually do (to make sure that I've actually remembered to take the pill because I'm paranoid), there was no pill for today.  WTF?  The only thing that I can think happened, but I don't know for sure, is that I took an extra pill Sunday night for some reason, and then took another without thinking Monday morning.  I did this once before (my brain has not been engaged in the mundane lately, because I'm always thinking about something else -- see second paragraph), but at least that time I caught it and just didn't take another pill the next morning.  (It really wasn't that big of a deal.  I normally take the pill between 6:00 and 8:00 in the morning, and I took the extra pill at 1:00 in the morning, so it was early but not too early.  Of course, that happened on this cycle too.) 

Like I said, I don't know for sure, but given that I'm fairly positive that everything was OK before Sunday.

Is it even possible that I could be so stupid?  Seriously.  I am one of the most compliant patients you could meet when it comes to medications.  I know that it is important to take them when you are supposed to, and to finish the bottle.  Duh.

Now I have to share my idiocy with the clinic this morning.  I'm sure they've heard it all before, but honestly, what could be easier than to punch out a pill each day when the days are marked for you?  I have no idea if this is significant. We have two frozen embryos left, and frankly, I would rather just stop and start over if I've screwed things up.

Shoot me now.

Trick or Treat?

Trick.  Confirmed negative on Halloween morning.  Pfft.  Two more left in the freezer.

Thank you for all the kind words.

I Don't Know Why I Ever Get My Hopes Up

Ten days post transfer -- negative. 

Yeah, yeah.  There's still a chance. 

Riiiiiight.  Though I'll still be testing, I won't be holding my breath.

I really thought it would work this time.

Mind f*ck

I sometimes rub my hands gently on my abdomen.  Wondering.  Am I caressing a spark of life, too small to see?  Or is it just emptiness?

Sometimes, I feel a twinge, and I think - implantation?  Or just a twinge.  Of nothing, really.  All in my head.

My uterus feels achy sometimes.  Echos of my pregnancy with DD.  A spark of hope flashes into my thoughts.  But, it could just as easily be the progesterone and estrogen that I faithfully take.

I look at the picture of those beautiful embryos and wonder how they're doing.  Are they living?  Or have they disappeared into nothingness?

I hope, thinking that if I don't, then I'm somehow affecting the outcome.  Absurd.

And then, my mood swings the other way.  Expecting another bad result.  Why not?  They're all bad results lately.  And then I worry that somehow that will affect the outcome.  And so I force my thoughts elsewhere.

Sometimes, I wonder why we have the audacity to tread in God's territory.  How dare we?  How dare I?  Creating life is a mystery still.  Even to the doctors, who can do everything except promise implantation.

And then, I think that I'm thinking too much.  And so I stop thinking for a little while.  But just for a little while.

F*ck you, two week wait.

Welcome Aboard

And here they are:

Kind of tired still, probably from the Valium and the avoidance of caffeine today.

We started out with five embryos:  one straw of one, and two straws of two.  I don't know if I mentioned how angry I was that the embryologist chose to freeze that one embryo alone, particularly since my doctor said that it is harder for a single embryo to survive.  When I asked about it, she said that "it just felt right to her to do it."  Surprise -- it didn't survive.  But the next straw of two did, leaving one more straw of two.

We had a special treat today.  They had the monitor on in the transfer room, so we got to see the embryos being drawn up into the syringe, and then again when the syringe was examined to see if they were still inside.

Official pregnancy test on Halloween of all days -- Trick or Treat.  Of course, I will be testing on my own well before that.  It has always made me feel more in control of my destiny that way for some odd reason.

Eh (Can't Think Of A Title)

Two burning questions:

Why do I always feel like I have to go to the bathroom the instant I step into the shower, even if I've just gone minutes before?

Why can I part my hair and think that it's just fine, look away for a moment, and OMG, see a totally f'd up part?

Two recent DDisms:

"Mommy, you just don't understand how my brain works. I know, just by looking at something, that I'm not going to like it. So you can stop asking me to try new foods, OK?"

DD recently advised us that when she's a teenager, she will be queen of the house and will be telling us what to do (apparently, she's dissatisfied with the current arrangement). Dream on, sister.

And an update:

Evil, evil Estrace.  Need I say more?  Feel like I'm too fat to breathe.  Taking six tablets a day.  Ugh.

Transfer on Monday, 10/19.  At least I hope and pray there is a transfer on Monday.  Can't help but think what happened the last time I had five frozen embryos.  If you are the praying type, please say one for us.