I appreciate all of the kind words and comments. And I'm still around. I just haven't been visiting here very much because I haven't wanted to think about my feelings. Much healthier to push them down and ignore them! (Not. Well, at least it's easier. Mostly.)
Not much to report. I was hopeful about the embryo adoption, but I don't know if that's going to come through or not. The person who made the wonderful offer has some really devastating issues in her life to address at the moment, and I understand that this isn't a priority. I don't want to be a pest, even though I still feel on pins and needles about the opportunity.
You know, I've always been an action oriented kind of person. If there is something I want to accomplish, then I go after it and get it done. I can be pretty focused and driven. A mountain you say? Well, I'll go around it. Or through it. Or over it. Or blast it out of the way. But I can't do anything, because the ball isn't in my court. And that's hard for me. The only action that I could take right now is to choose a new donor and start over. But I don't think I have it in me to do that.
Sometimes, and especially lately, I've been wondering what it would have been like to have lived a different life, one where I would have married young, had no fertility issues, had my two babies (or more!), and enjoyed getting older as I watched them grow and give me grandchildren. Instead, here I am, hyperventilating and sad, still thinking about the child that I lost and still jealous of all the babies and bellies around me. Recently, I learned that someone at work will be a dad in April, which is the month that my baby would have been born. My daughter's after-care teacher is due in June. It's hardly seems fair, though I know that life isn't fair, and I know that there are people with a lot more sorrow than I have. A friend of mine just lost his precious granddaughter of 13 months. Unimaginable. But my sadness for him doesn't make my pain less. I miss my own baby dammit.
At some level, I'm mad at DH. On the one hand, he's gone along with all of the cycles, so maybe it's unfair to have these feelings. After all, he did put up with all of the bullsh*t that was part and parcel of all of that. But, he's also fought me tooth and nail each step of the way. No interest in adoption. Argued against Clomid, because it could cause multiple births. Argued against IUI with injections, same reason. Argued against IVF, same reason. Argued against the first donor cycle, same reason. Argued against using the left over embryos, this time because he was ostensibly too old (that argument has continued). Oh, and we always had to transfer only one embryo where possible, which reduced the possibility of success (since they were always three-day embryos). Surprise! We haven't gotten younger with all the arguing and delay. So yes, still p*ssed about all of that, even though I think he's the best dad in the world and would love another child (and yes, he does admit that he would love another child, and he's tired of talking about this, and we should just do it already dammit). I think part of it may be due to the fact that DH lost his father when DH was 17, and it also may be due to the fact that he's the most involved dad I know. It still makes me laugh when my own father tells DH that DH is a much better dad that he was.
My daughter is such a beautiful little girl. She's beautiful, smart, graceful, kind, and has a delightful sense of humor. I still can't believe that I get to be her mother. I don't ever mean to sound ungrateful about that, and in my fantasies about having had my babies early, she is part of that dream. But I want her to have a brother or sister. I am enjoying her so much, and I know that another child would bring even more joy.
It still makes me want to cry. (Sh*t, I do cry, who am I kidding?) So I push it out of my thoughts. When I do think about it, it feels like the window of opportunity is closing for me, this time for good. I'm not even sure why I'm feeling that way right now, because I've always been one of those people who believe that you should follow your heart where it leads, even if it isn't where or when you expect. My parents' next-door neighbor fostered an older child when she was in her 50's and eventually adopted her long after her two boys were grown, so you just never know what might happen. (Of course, their next-door neighbor was [and still is] quite a b*tch, so now she has three children who wouldn't walk across the street to do you-know-what to her if she were on fire, but I digress.)
Wouldn't it be grand to have a crystal ball that works to know how this will all turn out in the end?