New Midlife Mommy

More Truth

Warning:  Sore nipples and breast feeding discussed!

Suburban Turmoil had an excellent post regarding how effing much breast feeding hurts in the beginning.  Especially for the first ten days or so.  (You can read her post here.) 

For me, it felt like someone was sticking needles in my nipples.  Fortunately, the pain, while intense, does go away after about a minute into the nursing session.  At least it did for me, though it seemed like an awfully long and excruciating minute that went on forever.  But every two to three hours or so, when it was time for the next feeding, the intense pain began anew. 

It was terrible, and no one warned me about it.  In fact, I'd been told (and read) that if it hurt, I must be doing something wrong.  What a crock.  It hurts everyone, and everyone would be better served if we just admitted it out loud.  As Suburban Turmoil points out, many women give up within the first two weeks, thinking that it won't get any better.  In fact, it does get better.  A lot better.  And, if you can stick it out for six weeks, any other problem will have probably ironed itself out as well (at least that was one thing I read that was absolutely true). 

DD is 31 months old, and our nursing relationship is still going strong.  Granted, we do not nurse in public.  She doesn't ask, and I don't volunteer.  It just isn't socially acceptable, sad as that is.  On the one hand, I believe that if we want toddler nursing to be more acceptable, we should do more toddler nursing in public so that people will see it.  On the other hand, I'm just kind of a chicken.  Since DD doesn't put me on the spot to do it in public, it's been easy.

But for all the good things that breast feeding has brought us, here's another truth.  If you keep on breast feeding, bad things will happen to your nipples from time to time. 

Anyway.  I have been in agony over the last week or so.  On my right side, DD moved her head quickly when popping off, and I got a small cut on my nipple as a result.  With continued nursing, it has widened and lengthened.  On the left side, with way too frequent and lengthy night nursing one night when I was too drowsy to break it off, she wore the skin away in one spot.  That's gotten a little worse too with continued nursing.  (Sorry if that's TMI.)

As a consequence, I am back to feeling that intense pain at the start of each nursing session.  It feels exactly as I remember it did in the beginning.  Kind of like needles, or a searing hot poker, but only for a minute.  And then it's gone until the next nursing session.  Fortunately, those nursing sessions aren't every two to three hours anymore.  I haven't started healing yet, so I imagine that it's going to take a bit longer to go away this time.

This has happened from time to time.  When DD was teething, she would sometimes bite me as she was drifting off to sleep.  Sometimes, her new little teeth were so sharp, they cut my skin as they rubbed against it.  (Now, that was really painful.)  Other times, if she turned her head suddenly, it would also cause an injury.

Until now, if I had a problem, it was on one side or the other.  Having pain on both sides is unusual, and it makes me dread nursing again.  And, even though I don't get engorged like I used to, I still need to have nursing sessions to be able to maintain my supply.

We have stopped our night time nursing, even though DD still sleeps with us.  I've told her that my nipples hurt, and she has accepted that.  For the first few nights, she didn't even ask.  Last night, she tugged at my top a few times, but she stopped when I reminded her why we couldn't nurse.  She's really been pretty accepting about all of this.

It also seems as though DD has learned a little bit of empathy.  When she wants to nurse, she pats my breast with a chubby, open hand, looks in my eyes, and says, "I will be bery, bery nice mommy."  It just melts my heart.  Now, granted, I can't tell the difference when she's being "nice" or at any other time -- the suction seems to be the same.  But she thinks that she's being nice, I guess.

And it's the thought that counts, right?

Another PSA

Fair warning -- this post is not about my daughter.

I am sooo frustrated right now.  I own a VW diesel.  I had the timing belt replaced at around 81,000 miles, just like I was supposed to.  Now, at 132,000, the timing belt went again, and it took my engine with it.  How much would this repair cost, you ask?  Well, in all fairness, I did ask them to include the cost of replacing the clutch, which is original, but the cost?  Nine thousand freaking dollars.  Which is probably twice what the car is worth.

So, I need to buy a new car, which I can ill afford at the moment.  My PSA to all of you?  Stay away from the VW diesels.  My brother said that a quick perusal of the internet led him to believe that a class action is in the works.  Serves VW right, don't you think?  Unfortunately, it won't help me right now.  I need to worry about financing yet another car.  I'm really P.O.'d about this, because I spent extra for an engine that was supposed to last for 2-300,000 miles. 

I didn't even come close.

On Being A New Mommy

I am on quite a few listservs, one of which concerns people who’ve built families through donor eggs. Not too long ago, we all received a very sad e-mail from a new member. She had just given birth to twins in mid-April, and she said that she hadn’t bonded with them. She also had thoughts of hurting them. She said that she was getting help through counseling and drugs for depression, but she was full of anguish that she might never bond with them because they weren’t really "hers."

I’ve written before about how hard it was for me during that first six weeks or so after DD was born. Even after all I had been through, I contemplated putting my daughter up for adoption because I didn’t think that I could handle being her mother. The next thought that I always had was "what would people think?" after all we’d gone through just to have a baby. I didn’t bond with her for months, and I too thought maybe it was because she came from a donor egg. And, I also had fleeting thoughts of harming her that would come unbidden into my head, like "I could put her in the microwave," or "I could throw her down the stairs." Please know that I never once believed that I would act on those thoughts, or I would have gotten help. They were just strange ideas that popped in from time to time, and I attributed them to the great hormonal storm that was going on inside of me.

I wish someone would have told me just how hard that first few months really are. On one of my other listservs, whose members are moms who gave birth around the same time I did, there was only one person who talked about actually fearing that she would harm her child. She did seek help. But she was the only one. No one else admitted to the feelings that I had, and I thought that I must be going crazy. Everyone else was having a great big lovefest, the way they told it. And looking back, I don’t think everyone was being very candid. I guess I wasn’t candid either, because I didn’t share how I was feeling and ask if anyone else was experiencing the same thing.

Nowadays, I know that it is normal to entertain a thought or two about giving your child up for adoption in the beginning. That it is not all love at first sight for many moms, and that’s OK. And that odd thoughts about hurting the baby are also very common. I just wish someone would have told me this at the time I was going through all of it so I wouldn’t have felt like such a pariah. Now, I wouldn’t give my daughter up for the world, and I am totally bonded with her – I don’t even think of "donor egg" when I look into her beautiful face. And, the strange, irrational thoughts about harming her don’t pop into my head anymore either.

I’m glad my little donor egg family was able to help the desperate new mommy who reached out. I just wish that all of this stuff wasn’t such a well kept secret among moms who’ve already traveled the path, you know?

Bummer

One of the most frustrating things about having a child is that you don't have much "me" time.  Right now, I'm enjoying my 30-45 or so minutes of free time that I get each day.  DH (dear husband) gets the same amount of time.  Usually he showers and gets his clothes ready for the next day during that time; I doubt that he gets to even read e-mail.  I get my clothes and my DD's (dear daughter's) clothes ready for the next day during the week, and I usually get to whiz through my e-mails, deleting most of them.  It has been getting better, but it is still so hard sometimes.  Everything seems to be so regimented, just to get everything done that we need to do.  Sometimes, I still miss our old life, when we could do what we want when we wanted to do it.  I look forward to DD becoming more independent, but with that will go her baby days, which I will dearly miss.  Sniff.  Guess I can't have everything.  But I wouldn't trade her for the world.