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February 18, 2008



I don't have an answer on the woman, but I did want to chime in on another point. My father died 12/1 and he was the parent I was closest to. My mother acts and comments like your dad and it is SO bothersome, to put it mildly. She also has never acknowledged my grief, something it sounds like your dad has also failed to do.

Jenn (dish)

I don't have a good answer either. I guess if it was me, I would speak up about how I feel (which is what you're planning to do). Unfortunately for all of us, our parents are adults and will do what they will do. But it should also mean that they *act* like adults sometimes and recognize that (a) you miss your mother terribly and (b) it's not exactly appropriate to ask your daughter to help you find a date. Definitely not a mere five months after your mom passes.


I would silently seethe because it's one of the things I do best.

But after that....I don't know. My parents have such a symbiotic (or is it co-dependent?) relationship that I can't imagine one surviving without the other. A new partner might make it easier--in the abstract, of course.

I wonder if your dad is making these comments in an attempt to deny how much pain he's really in?


Oh, man. That's tough. If it were me, I'd have to say, "Look, you may be ready to date, but I'm not ready to facilitate your dating yet, because I'm still really hurting. Date if you want to, but it's too painful for me to actively participate by finding you someone right now."

Antique Mommy

Well I haven't lost a parent, but I did lose a spouse and I know that grief can look really odd and invoke all kinds of bizarre responses and behaviors for the bereaved and for those looking on. It's a time when the world no longer makes sense. I would guess he says these things about how things are better now because to some degree to him it is true, he is autonomous. And to some degree he wants to make it true so he can be okay. As far as dating, the lonliness is unbearable when everyone else is partnered but you. Again the idea is disgusting and seems reasonable all at the same time. We all say stuff like "Well it's certainly not how I would behave" but trust, me you know know until you know.

Antique Mommy

I meant: You don't know until you know.

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